The Gospel of TJB

Those of you who know me know that

I'm an extremist.

I don't really know what that word means, but I feel like claiming to be an extremist makes me an extremist.

I am what I am.

Many actors like to say they were "born" to play certain roles. I don't think I was born to play certain roles. I think I was born to reproduce and carry on the word of the Lord through the scripture and BAAAHAHA...ok I lost my straight face (pun intended) but I really tried to keep that going.

I was not BORN to play certain roles. I AM certain roles...or rather...certain roles are ME.

Sad to say America that one of those roles is not a white faced alien who can only communicate through music and replicating instrumental noises. I'm sure you're all as crushed as I am.

However, one of those roles is indeed a flamboyant boy band member of the Catholic persuasion who sings really really high.

AND YOU WONDER WHY IT'S NOT ON MY RESUME ALREADY. I know...tell me about it...

So when I went to an OPEN CALL (after which I promised myself for a second time NEVER AGAIN) and was asked back to the dance call where I gave them a REALLY SOLID 16 counts of dancing before pausing and staring blankly for the next 16 and ending on a really sassy high kick before swaggering offstage "brushing it off" in a last ditch effort to appear calm and cool

I thought I was done.

But when you ARE a role
or rather
a role IS you (and by you I mean ME)

they call you back.

IF I DO NOT BOOK THIS THERE IS NO GOD.

(JK God...ha...I knew you'd read this so...ha...it's funny right?...PLEASE LET ME BOOK IT)

During this Lenten season, I am pulling my rosary out of the sock drawer and praying to Mary and Joseph and all 3 Kings that my years of struggle as a Catholic queer finally pay off.

so I can afford my rent.

You can stop sending me audition notices Mom,

TJB: Making It

sometimes second is better than first

If you've been reading my blog since the beginning, you won't be surprised.

If you haven't been reading my blog since the beginning...you seriously need to give up one of your 5 TV shows and an hour of Netflix a day to catch up.

Most of you know by now how an actor's life works. I'll explain it in a way that will cause every actor reading this to call me out on technicalities because they feel I falsely represent their lifestyle (similar, say, to SMASH), but every other person reading this will just say, "Oh yeah, I get that".

First, there's the initial AUDITION. You walk in a room, you sing, sometimes you read a few lines, and then you awkwardly stare at the people hoping they'll say they want to see you again. If they don't say it to your face, you instantly leave the room and say, "OMG I was terrible; they hated me!"until you receive a call from a casting director or agent saying you got a CALLBACK...then you say, "Oh yeah, I knew I was great".

The CALLBACK is when you're told what to prepare, and you generally perform for more people. After the callback, you wait 6-12hrs. before you assume you didn't book the gig. Then, you ponder giving up and buying that LSAT book.

But sometimes, there's what we like to call the SECOND CALLBACK (and this is where actors will say it's not that simple because sometimes there are more than two callbacks to which I say THEY'RE JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU!)

The SECOND CALLBACK is when your agent tells you he almost forgot to tell you that the show is still interested in you and they want to see more!!

And I, my dear readers, have received my first second callback ever...at least for as long as I felt like trying to remember before I was distracted by Dance Moms.

Now, here's the NOT surprise to my dedicated followers (I'll call you FANS).

Fans, I have received a second callback for...I'm not even going to TELL you...I mean it's only fitting...

BUT If I book this show you're all getting free tickets! Or at least a really cute discount code like ALIENLUV or BWAYUFO.

I ate a quart of ice cream to celebrate,

TJB: Making It

you're the one that we DON'T want

After starting off the week with a bang (caused by my head making contact with the floor) and hitting hump day with some weird alien show, I needed to end the week with a bang...

...this time the metaphorical kind that means I did something really well...

but as I rounded the corner for my Grease audition, I was greeted by the worst omen EVER.

the sing-and-talk-loudly-in-case-you-didn't-see-my-hair ginger

That's right folks! The very same ginger that now, in hindsight, I can see caused me to fall to the floor in my dance call due to the sheen of his ghastly red glowing mop top.

The hallway was empty except for him, me, and the audition monitor he was deep in conversation with...BECAUSE GINGERS CAN'T STOP TALKING.

When another boy walked up, the ginger was quick to assert his dominance and made it clear he had worked with this theater before and knew all about how they like to run auditions...that or he had just auditioned for them 5 years running and had figured out what hasn't been working. I'm hoping for that one, but I couldn't make him crack. Even the monitor couldn't correct the flame-throwing cranium.

I felt doomed...

because let me walk you through this:

I was already having a pretty solid (rough) week. My paycheck was dismal, my auditions were either atrocious or caused me to take long, hot sob-showers, and my mom kept texting me about taxes.

SO...in preparing for my Grease audition, I thought it would be a GENIUS idea to play a song on the ukelele during the scene.

Do I play ukelele? No.
Could I maybe learn in two days? Sure.

I call this my "personal self-destruct button". Based on my one-sided (not my side) conversation with the ginger, the audition room was going to LOVE (meaning HATE) this.

SO...I walked in with my ukelele, sat it next to the piano, sang my 16 bars they asked for, and prepared to pick up my ukelele and read the scene as they said,

"Thanks! That's all we need to hear today"

along with

"You smell AMAZING!"

I'M SORRY BUT HAVING A UKELELE IN THE ROOM AND NOT USING IT IS THE SAME AS HAVING A GUN ONSTAGE AND NOT USING IT! DO NOT DROP MY CURTAIN EARLY! WAIT FOR THE BANG!

but thanks, it's BVLGARI.

I grabbed my ukelele and burst out of the room directly into some girl from Broadway. She's the one who (spoiler alert as if you care) dies in Little Women...I guess that was her shining moment, but if you see her, you should tell her your opinion on switching from Chase bank to the Actor's Federal Credit Union. It seems to be high on her worry list because

SOME OF US DON'T HAVE A PROBLEM BOOKING SHOWS.

Dance Moms makes me wish I was 8 again,

TJB: Making It

a cappell-NO

Yes, I auditioned for this.

Yes, I got called back for this.

Let's leave it at that.

Proud of me F15?

Could my cheekbones even shine through all that makeup?

WHO ARE WE KIDDING I WANT IT SO BAD!

How is white face OK,

TJB: Making It