To thine own selfie be true

I'm spending a few days in D.C. on a writer's retreat (aka getting laid JK Mom), and I've come to realize - through all of the moving history and patriotism I've experienced here - that our greatest historians are Asian teen girls taking selfies.

Seriously, I've been sitting in this Starbucks for over an hour and this girl has taken approximately 45 selfies of herself drinking coffee. Right now, her camera is set on repeat and she is changing poses every five seconds. She's really struggling with a hair choice. I want to recommend she wrap it behind her neck to one shoulder, but she seems set on making this bobbypin work.

Oh, now we've moved on to a braid. This will be cute. OH MY GOD, she has a light pink clip-in hair extension. We've just taken it to a new level.

In all seriousness, this girl taking selfies has reminded me of something very important.

I spend a lot of time stressing. I just ended a phone conversation with my mom about student loans, my debit card being stolen, and potentially being fired from my job. You know it's bad when you're one week from 25 and still calling your mom to say, "FIX THIS!" But then I turned to my right and this girl reminded me that the rest of the world (aside from Mom, maybe) doesn't care about how much money we have or how much stress we're under. They don't see any of that.

But they do see your selfies, so you'd better take a good one. And they will like it. Or they'll hate it.

Or have no opinions, which is really the worst result of all.

So take a page from the Asian girls and give a smile. Throw a peace sign. Don't let the world see you sweat.

Double click to heart me,

TJB: Making It

A Sense of Pride

I was not beaten, I was stung by a wasp in the eye.

My 10th grade research paper was titled "Child Abuse: Bruising a Nation". I still have a habit of using wordplay at the most inappropriate times. In fact, I wrote a lot of apology e-mails to TAs in college, ensuring them that my writing style should in no way affect how seriously they thought I was about the course. That was a big hurdle in a class I will call Serious Things About WWII. Luckily my TA was Australian, so quite distanced from any personal ties to the subject matter. I think Australia was still a penal colony then.

Back to the kids. 

I chose the topic because child abuse is the one thing that makes me angrier than all anger-inducing things. I can't understand how an adult could ever hurt a kid. I see a child cry and all I want to do is adopt them. A lot of my trying-to-impress-someone career goals through adolescence involved pediatric something. Point being: kids are precious and I'm a really selfless human being. 

But that's not so great for the blog. Here's what's good for the blog:

Before writing my research paper, I had read that opening with a quote was a really writery thing to do. I was all over that. I opened my paper with this:

Whitney Houston once said, "I believe that children are our future." 

I masterfully dispersed the following lyrics throughout. After turning in the first draft, it was returned with a red circle around the initial quote with the note "NO". 

The conversation that resulted went like this:

Me: What do you mean "NO"?

Teacher: Whitney Houston did not say that. 

Me: I'm pretty sure she did. It's a really well known Whitney Houston song. 

Teacher: Yeah, but she didn't write the song.

Me: But she said the words. 

Teacher: But she didn't write them.

Me: But it's a quote and she said them. Well, sang them. 

Teacher: You have to give credit to the originator. 

Me: Who's that?

Teacher: Whoever wrote the song.

Me: But nobody knows who that is. I can't open my paper with a quote from nobody. Who wants to read that?

Teacher: I do. I'm the only person reading this paper. 

Wrong answer. Once I realized this paper was only being read by this dude, my shits given hit zero. What good were we doing the children if only this dude was reading it?

Whitney stayed in. But I did meet him halfway and cited Michael Masser and Linda Creed in the bibliography. 

My parents had been warned by my sister's junior year English teacher that this sophomore year guy would challenge me. I hadn't seen a minus next to my A's since 2nd grade. That Whitney maybe-not-her-quote (combined with a following comparison of happenings in To Kill a Mockingbird with the Nelly/Alicia Keys hit "My Boo") would earn my first ever B+. 

Don't worry, I still ended up a valedictorian. But I have to give credit to that teacher. I inadvertently learned a lot through my arrogant dismissal of his power.

1. B+s do exist. 

2. Challenging authority should be reserved for much more important causes than a 16 year old's pride.

3. There are really great lessons to be learned from To Kill a Mockingbird 
4. Seriously, 16 year olds are assholes. 

5. Nothing I could ever write will trump quoting Whitney Houston in an attempt to end child abuse.

I think he also taught me irregardless was not a word, making irregardless my favorite word that year. 

I was the future then, and he taught me well. He let me lead the way. The dude probably doesn't even remember who I am now, but every time I write, I remember him. It reminds me that I want my audience to feel something when they read my writing, even if that feeling is my own petulance. He probably doesn't remember me, but if he does, I hope its because I taught him something. Something about the greatest love of all.

You can't keep a Diva down,

TJB: Making It

I am better than you, but you are doing fine

I'm approaching that point in productivity where you're running as fast as you can, but you see the wall ahead. There are two options:

1. Slow down and see if you can find a way around the wall. Maybe you can climb it (ew just kidding I hate climbing things). Find a way around it at a walking pace.

or

2. Keep running as fast as you can and accept that you're about to hit a wall. Just turn your head to the side so you don't break your nose. I've recently started to really like my nose. It's cute.

The latter will prevail. I remember they said once in driver's training not to swerve for animals. They probably would have said, "Stop for walls," but I don't remember that, so I'm going to loosely apply the animal tidbit to walls in my creative life and hope it works.

The wall I'm approaching is built from bricks of other writer's works. Originally, I wanted to say it was built from the bodies of other writers, but that evoked a certain image I already try to avoid given my blonde hair and alabaster skin. Maybe we just imagine a wall of writers in an arm-linked-fence kind of way. Red Rover style. That sounds less controversial.

Anyway, me, running, wall, writers.

Point being: those writers are not better than me. For the first time in my life, I read things and think, "I could have written that better." I was explaining this to my roommate (who I would call my best friend, but we all know my recent luck with that title), how I am better than these writers. And I just finished reading Mindy Kaling's book. That's like the Pope saying he could have made a hotter Adam & Eve. Or at least ones that didn't have a weird thing for apples.

to which my roommate replied

I think it's time you start calling yourself a writer.
and
Stop making religious references. 

Da FUQ*? I wasn't looking for advice. I was just bitching over a grande blonde roast, but he was right. Those writers were writing successfully because they are writers. As straightforward as that should sound to anybody over the age of 6, it wasn't until this moment that I realized how much I'd been avoiding the issue.

Because if I called myself a writer, it was one more thing to fail at.

-I ended that sentence with a preposition. I know that because I am a writer.-

I had been swerving. But I didn't go to school to be a writer. What claim did I have to titleship? Then again, I didn't go to school to be a restaurant manager and I'm OK failing at that. Move over, Ellen Paige, it's my turn to come out.

Red Rover, Red Rover, this bitch is coming over.

Writer,

TJB: Making It


*Translation: The Fuck? as in "What the fuck?" Good for Snapchats.

L-O-V-Me

You'll be pleased to know I'm eating carbs again. I had a realization this weekend while eating pie a boy baked for me in the nation's capitol and binging on House of Cards.

Somebody had asked me the week before if I could ever have imagined myself where I am in life. I thought, "Yeah. I could have. But why would I have wanted to?" It was a short conversation.

I remembered an assignment from English my senior year of high school in which we had to write a letter to ourselves in 2025. I confidently predicted a post-award show TONYs or Oscars, still in a tuxedo, reading it on the sofa of my Manhattan loft or swanky L.A. hotel room.

But I always thought it would be funny if there had been stipulations to the letter. Rules of mediocrity. For instance: you never got married, your cat just passed away, you have $25,000 left in student loans, and you're leasing a Toyota.

Now write a letter to THAT, snotty 18 year old.

While I thought of this over my second heap of pie during episode 5, I realized we spend our entire lives with the hope of reaching our personal dreams. Then, out of nowhere, we are sideswiped by some terrible thing that compromises our trajectory and forces us to gamble everything we've worked for thus far in the hopes that we could still achieve our goals while pulling the weight of another person who is running in a completely different direction.

Now imagine writing a letter to yourself in 2025, but today, you've been sideswiped by this "love". There can no longer be a straight path to Happily Ever After. Well, not since we gave women the right to vote and started letting gays get married.

Luckily, I've always been a tragic romantic. If I have to make it on my own, I guess I'd rather not make it. I blame my parents for never getting divorced.

I included in my letter that my husband would be reading over my shoulder, and already proud of my undoubted win from the evening, he would kiss me on the forehead for having been so kind to include him in my plans since 2007.

I mean, I had to ensure I was still getting some at 35.

And whether that forehead kiss comes from a boy who bakes apple pies or some future man who is hopefully not leasing a Toyota, I know that as long as I'm dreaming my own dreams, I'll be braced for collision.

Hot? Unintentional, but yes.

He's going to be incredibly lucky,

TJB: Making It

Wednesdays

Making friends is hard. In general. At least past the first grade when everything could be based on a preference of dinosaurs over astronauts or My Little Pony versus American Girl. Now, we can't even gender stereotype when we just fucking want somebody to hang out with.

What the hell, America?

I was out to drinks with a "friend" recently. I say "friend" because here's how our conversation went:

Me: I mean, you're my best friend, so you know...
Him: Wait, what?
Me: You understand what I mean because you're my best friend.
Him: Wait...we're not best friends...

I said those exact words in 4th grade to a girl who stole my swing at recess, but somehow I thought 24 would be easier. Instead of pushing him off his barstool, I paid for the drinks and left.

I was a part of an interesting group of characters in college called Wednesdays. Contrary to popular belief, we did not name ourselves. We became a clique shortly after a group of kids who photographed a fake GAP campaign pointed out that we were always drinking together on Wednesday nights (sans puffy vests and striped scarves). Clearly, we were the weird ones.

Three years later, we found ourselves in Chicken Soup for the College Soul: I Couldn't Adjust to College so I Wrote a Mean Story About Kids Who Tried to Include Me but I Decided I Was Better Than Them.

That bitch will never live it down. Her story painted us (through misguided metaphors) as a judgmental group of superficial friends who binge drank and gossiped about people we thought were beneath us.

In reality, we were losers and we knew it. At least that's what our subconscious told us. But when we were together, shoved into a dorm room on the 5th floor sneaking vodka into vending machine V8s, we were the fucking coolest. We were best friends.

I wouldn't have made it through college if it weren't for Wednesdays.

Living in a city of 8.3million people can be lonely, especially if you're just finding out your friends had a different take on your relationship. I was feeling pretty down about it until this morning when I woke up to a string of messages from Wednesdays on a Friday.

All of them single, spiking their coffee, celebrating Valentine's Day the only way we know how.

By being the fucking coolest.

I haven't seen any of them in months, but there isn't a single week that goes by without a Wednesday.

So to you, my best friends. If you're reading, I say: FOUR OUT OF FIVE OF US LIVE IN THE SAME CITY, HOLY HELL, ARE YOU ALL HANGING OUT WITHOUT ME, YOU STUPID BITCHES?!

Once a Wednesday,

TJB: Making It

oh my god i think i was an escort

We never made it to the frat.

I once went on a Valentine's Day date in exchange for a handle of vodka. Oh, to be 18 again. I remember
ordering a salad, because I thought that's what you were supposed to eat on dates (and because I have always been a skinnybitch). I left hungry, but more disappointingly, I left without vodka in hand. Three days later, I trekked through a snowstorm to pick up my payment. Smirnoff. Apparently, I was a cheap date. 

That handel created one of the most notorious nights of my college career.

That was probably one of my best Valentine's Days. In fact, in elementary school, I threw up 4 years in a row on Valentine's Day. I'll never forget projectile vomiting grilled cheese and noodle soup in the principal's office. Fourth grade. In fifth grade, I was lucky enough to puke before I left the house, missing my "girlfriend's" mom picking us up for an off-campus lunch date. To be fair, I thought she would grow up to be a lesbian anyway. 

Senior year of high school, I broke up with my boyfriend the week before Valentine's Day because I was afraid he was going to outdo me. The next day, my best friend brought me a bag full of gifts he had planned to surprise me with throughout the day, ending in an invitation to his school's Spring Fling. At least I was right. He would have outdone me. 

Junior year of college, my friends and I tried to attend a Cupid party at the Jewish fraternity after recreating aforementioned "Handle Night" from paragraph one. I woke up asleep on my friend who was Jewish, but not in the fraternity. So I guess I kind of completed the mission.  

I did have one Valentine's Day worth smiling about. I received a heart shaped box full of 50+ McDonald's BBQ sauces the guy had collected for a month. We broke up the next week because surprises gave me anxiety. He now lives with his boyfriend in Portland in a very chic apartment. He's incredibly happy. I'm incredibly happy for him. SO happy for him. Just...so happy. 

So, what am I doing this year? 

I decided to plan a trip to our nation's capitol to see a boy I fell for at a bar. I will meet his entire family and give him the cheesiest, most thoughtful gift a genius writer like me could think of without drinking myself into a stupor of inadequacy. I will risk everything I have to tell him how head-over-heels I feel in the hopes that he will be stupid enough to match me in said risk of diving head first into what is hopefully the deep end. 

And I will blog bout it.

And he will probably think I'm crazy because I did. 

And maybe I am. 

But luckily, he might be crazier. 

There will be vodka. 

And as long as I don't projectile vomit, this will be far from the worst. 

Tradition,

TJB: Making It

everybody has one, most people are one

I'm almost 25 and I'm not famous yet.

To be honest, I'm a little surprised. Well, my 18 year old self is surprised, but my 24 year old self is sort of like, "You haven't had carbs in 3 days? I'm really proud of you."

I remember seeing a former Northwestern theatre major's Facebook education change to Harvard Law. My heart sank as I thought, "Is that what will happen to me when I'm 25? I'll have given up on my dreams?"

When going to Harvard Law sounds like giving up, you are an asshole. But here I am eons away from Harvard Law. I wish I could teach the next generation not to be assholes like I was.

Scratch that, I thought about this for a 5 minute down-my-wine break.

They should be assholes. They're young, smart, and the prettiest they'll ever be. People still buy them drinks at bars. There are still movies written about their age group because there are still exciting things happening to them.

College kids, enjoy your asshole vanity to the max while you can still get away with it.

The trick? Just don't let people know you're an asshole.

I live with a guy I HATED in college. OK, hate is a strong word, but I literally left parties he showed up to. Don't feel bad for him, everybody else loved him. Was I jealous? No. I was 6'1 and blonde. But oh man, I ignored his entire existence. But then I had my face rubbed into the shit covered sidewalks of NYC and needed a place to live. My shit covered face ended up writing him a check every month. Now, I'm snuggled under a blanket on the couch next to him playing video games.

The point is, you will have to grow up and eat shit someday. Otherwise, people find out you're an asshole. By that time, you're balding, and there's nothing worse than a bald asshole (that is a person). But if I hadn't believed I was the best thing that ever walked the halls of every building I was in from the ages of 18-22, I wouldn't be where I am. In fact, people who were bigger assholes than I was in college are far more successful.

They're still kind of assholes, but they have a lot of hair left.

Do be ready to get called out on the way. Other assholes like to try and take you down by shining a light on your assholeness. Just agree with them. Assholes like to be agreed with.

And if being an asshole somehow fails you, and your world starts crumbling beneath your feet,

just try being nice. Not as fun, but typically yields the same results.

But always be pretty,

TJB: Making It