Uni Verse

Somewhere around 3rd grade when I was in Disney World, I decided I wanted to buy a Donald Duck pen for school . The other kids were going to be SO jealous (even if it was the least practical writing utensil I've ever used). But, I wanted to buy the pen without the help of my parents. So, I told them to stay in the hotel lobby while I went to do some serious shopping. I remember walking up the stairs to the gift shop, shaking, but thinking

"You can do this! You're INDEPENDENT! Mom said so."

I even forced myself to talk to one of the sales clerks to show that I was there on real business and not just to browse like the other kids.

Now, I'm 23 and still shaking, telling myself the same thing I did back when I was 8.

"You can do this! You're INDEPENDENT! Mom said so."

And while the consequences of my purchases seem to be far more substantial, part of me is still just trying to make the other kids jealous and impress my parents.

I was sitting on the floor of a rehearsal studio this past week with my choreographer. She told me that I was making the right move (in life, not the show, my choreo was whack) and by moving to Chicago I was letting go of all the tension and pressure I had placed on myself to be successful in this career. By letting go and not trying to compete with the other kids and impress my parents, I was ultimately opening myself up to the universe (she gets very deep) and all of the possibilities I'm not seeing because I'm not allowing myself to simply trust in my life path.

I don't even think she smokes anything, but she does do a lot of yoga.

But how do I keep going when everything I thought I stood for suddenly has me sitting down to catch my breath?

There's a boy that I've admired for quite some time. I think he's a comic genius of my generation and I've watched his YouTube videos for months on repeat. When I first saw him on stage, I sat in my seat in complete awe. My new life goal was to become his friend. I stalked him to no avail, but suddenly, somehow, the universe lined up and we were cast in a reading together.

Now, he's the only person who calls me on the phone other than my mom.

So maybe there is something to this trusting-the-universe thing.

My new friend (whom I still stalk, just 'cuz) made me realize that everyone has moments when they need to sit down to catch their breath, and even though I've been independent since I was 8, it's the people in my life who inspire me that are going to make sure I'll stand up again.

I still have that Donald Duck pen back home in my room to remind me of the day I decided I could do things on my own. But now I have 15 more years of experience to show me that it's OK to need people.

Sure, I might be sitting down now...but like I did in the hotel lobby, and on the rehearsal room floor, and in the audience when I hand-picked my new friend,

I'll be standing again in no time.

I can do this. I'm INDEPENDENT. I said so,

TJB: Making It