There's a beach here somewhere.

I have a home.

More specifically, I have a place to sleep that I pay for. If you pretend there's a place to sit and you can't hear the neighbor's dog or didn't have to interrupt a dance class of young Latino children who were in your parking spot, it's actually quite beautiful. I don't mean the children weren't beautiful - they were adorable - but I'm new here. At least ask me to dance. I also have my own bathroom, which is nice. I'm sure I'll appreciate that less when I realize it means I have to stock my own toothpaste and contact solution.

Moving to L.A. was not what I thought it would be. I guess my ego was sort of hoping I'd be within walking distance to the best brunch and Sunday morning farmers' market where I'd buy vegetables to saute in my handsome eat-in kitchen. I would bump into an NBC executive while buying Ibuprofen at CVS because I have such headaches from always driving into the sun. I would say something charming and subtly funny about how there is two of every street here but parking is still harder to find than the perfect husband. He would laugh and offer me a job writing for a new sitcom because he has a good feeling about me. I would be sitting at the Emmys on Monday and invited to the Golden Globes by Tuesday.

Instead, I've been to the same Starbucks seven times in six days because it's the only place I remember how to get to and Google Maps won't load from my block. It's nice though because nobody goes to Starbucks here except the supporting actors from Legally Blonde. They're still living in 2001, and I appreciate that. Never forget.

I know what you're thinking. "TJB, it's only been a week! It will take at least a month for the city to recognize your unique and incomparable skillset," and if I consider it hard enough, I know you're right.

I guess I'll just have to wait it out...keep tweeting Brody Jenner...learn how to foxtrot in the garage.

I'm only now realizing how strange it is that I brought a shag rug. I should have considered a chair.

From the wood floor which is plastic,

TJB: Making It