Sallie GAY

I considered working out today, but I decided to call Sallie Mae instead.

And boy is my ass tired.

They're sweet talkers, I'll give them that. The conversation was very "Baby, It's Cold Outside".

Cue music.

Me: "I really can't pay."
Sallie Mae: "But baby, we'll either f*ck you now or f*ck you later. Point is: you're not going anywhere until we take you from behind."

At least having a loan from CHASE would feel appropriately titled. Owing money to a Sallie Mae is so emasculating.

This is the type of relationship I have to awkwardly bring up when somebody proposes to me in 10 years. "Hey, I really love you a lot, but there's somebody else that's had a choke-hold on my dick since I was 18, so..."

I just have to keep imagining the day when people will be reading this blog on their Kindle Apocalypse and both of my "You Pick Two" at Panera can be Signature Items.

I'll be so remotely famous that Time Out Chicago  will review me and my parents won't have to ignore my texts for money.

I can see you read them, Mom.

I haven't had a drink in four days. Take THAT AA.

JK I had a martini yesterday but just one,

TJB: Making It

something about this

I remember sitting in my AP English class senior year of high school. It was "college prep week" and we were in the computer lab researching our major requirements so we'd know what to expect the coming fall. I was a Political Science major at Northwestern University. I sat staring at the screen questioning my entire existence (as any emotional 18 year old does). My hand shot up.

Me: What if I don't want to do this?

As a valedictorian (I had to get that in there), I could tell my teacher was confused by my resistance.

Teacher: The assignment?
Me: No. This. I don't want to do this. I don't want to be a lawyer.
Teacher: So don't. But you have to do something.

That's the day I became an actor.

Six years later, I'm drinking out of a Harvard coffee mug from 2004 in the middle of Chicago thinking, "What the hell is this?"

The truth is, America, I don't really care. I've been having a pretty baller time since I grew a pair of nuts in 2007. When you realize it takes less than 5 seconds to change life, you kind of just start chilling. And as long as you keep doing something, everything else just sort of takes care of itself. Yeah, I'm sure there will come a day when I'm 55 thinking, "Well, shit, maybe I should have..." but probably not. I'll probably get pushed in front of a train first, and then I'll just be thinking, "Well, shit."

So relax, people. Whenever you feel like your life is a mess, just be grateful you didn't document it in a blog. And whenever you think I'm upset or stressed or care, just remember one thing: I'm an actor. None of this really matters. Something does, but not this.

I'm gonna be something,

TJB: Making It