nothing tastes as good as being me feels.

I lost 10 pounds on this tour.

I know what you're thinking: "But TJB you were already so thin and toned WHERE did the 10 pounds go?"

No idea. Science is not my forte (JK science actually WAS once my forte and I could give you an in depth explanation of where the weight went, but you wouldn't even begin to comprehend because science is not YOUR forte).

I was looking in the mirror and loving life.

and then this Thanksgiving I was looking into a giant bowl of sweet potatoes and a platter of turkey and loving life.

and then I gained 5 pounds...

but I'm going to blame at least one of those pounds on the fact that I was holding my Blackberry.

Let's hope the iPhone 4S is lighter.

My new diet is a bottle of Trim Spa and a bottle of beer...LIGHT beer.

#skinnybitch,

TJB: Making It

Even Britney Would Laugh

Being back in NYC has been a TRIP in itself. Sure we're no longer staying at Super 8's with truckers n' trannys, but I've dragged my suitcase (and I should call it an armoire) across Manhattan 5 times this weekend in the hopes of not taking advantage of too many friendships.

And the weekend off was just a tease. As soon as Monday hit, it was back to early mornings and my favorite time of day, 5 a.m.

I still firmly believe that the hours of 3-6 a.m. should not exist and have no real value...

and today was a very special 5 a.m. day.

It started off beautifully. I was up and ready and only had half a block walk to the van. I even had 10 minutes to kill so I walked down the block to grab an apple (#skinnybitch). I approached the van at 5:59 a.m. expecting to be no later than the second one there and found

EVERYONE WAS IN THE VAN READY TO GO!

I mean, this didn't even happen when we were all staying in the same hotel room and here we were traveling from Brooklyn and the Bronx to leave on time for once in our lives.

This was going to be a great day!

JK of course something was going to go terribly wrong.

We arrived at the venue with an extra 45 minutes to spare. Set up should be a breeze right?

WRONG!

We were in a gymnasium...a gymnasium that had never hosted a show before...and our sound system wasn't working. You see, we're used to being in theatres that have their own sound system, but as you can imagine, an Elementary School's gymnasium would rarely have such a set-up.

Nearing the final minutes, we were lost...it appeared we would once again be doing the show with one small monitor and no microphones.

BUT MIRACULOUSLY ALL WAS SAVED! George Washington somehow shook the wires like a rescued strand of Christmas Lights and our sound poured through the system. Our amplified voices raised above the music and we sounded like a choir of angels! All was saved.

JK of course something was going to go terribly wrong.

We set for the top of the show and as soon as Benjamin Franklin muttered his first lines we could sense the unease.

I waited for my music cue, but nothing came. Then, in the faint distance, I could hear what sounded like an iPod's earbuds turned on full blast in the next room...I had no choice but to rip down the banner and scream as written.

As the founding fathers rushed the crowd to begin our ROCK we were swallowed by silence. NO music...only the faint iPod noise in the distance. We were speechless. We scrambled as all 300 faces stared back at us in confusion...we tried to start the song over, fumbled with chords, ad-libbed for days and God would not answer our pleas.

We were directed to continue the show as normal.

A CAPPELLA.

Like, are you KIDDING ME universe? You have to be saying to yourself reading this that there is surely no way we performed a 1 hour pop-rock show for a group of students with NO instrumental tracks (and by NO I mean the iPod earbud whisper), but we in fact did.

OH YES WE DID.

and even as those children slapped their hands to their faces and the surly teachers glared at us in disappointment

we

continued

rocking.

Until the final curtain...when we then retreated to our dressing room in laughing shame.

I refused to leave until the gymnasium was emptied.

What would Idina say?!

I silence my emotions with food,

TJB: Making It

Deja Vu: The Return to NYC

Tomorrow, we head back to the city...

...and I'm terrified...

The city that I turned away from just months ago to move to Chicago to be beckoned back to be sent on the road to be plunged into hellfire...I must now face again.

Sure, I have a few weeks of security. I'll get paid ("paid" I should say because once my per diem disappeared I might as well work a shift at McDonald's for the same rate) through December 11th...the day my student loans kick in (and a MERRY CHRISTMAS it is!). Sure, I have more money in my bank account than I've had in 5 years, but I've also yet to pay my own rent and well...that'll be a check soaked in tears.
 
Haven't I already endured this nerve wracking transition?! Isn't once enough?! Going back to NYC tomorrow really won't be any different than it was in June. I'm pretty much homeless. I have no agent. It's like the city's embarrassed for me.

But I did spend a total of 8 Billion hours in a Dodge Sprinter touring America's smallest cities...and thank GOD I'm Equity because now I can be rejected by people who mean something.

But alright, let's forget the negativity for a second. I did learn a lot while on the road.

I learned that...well...I learned that...I learned...

You know what, I'll get back to you.

Until then, pour the drinks NYC.

I'm going to need stiff one.

DRINKS. I SAID DRINKS.

Why are all these beer bottles empty,

TJB: Making It

Hell Froze Over

With just one week left before this tour pulls back into NYC, we are holding our breath. Things have been going rather smoothly and the road to the city seems to be clear.

JK we're going to die.

The first day we hit freezing temps and snow is the same day our van's entire heat/air unit decided to die.

Zoom in on this morning when I (for once) volunteered to drive. Can we say "KARMA'S A BITCH?!"

No defrost power.
I find a mini-scraper in the side of the door.
Hell if anybody else is going to be of assistance.
I get out to clear the windshield.
I should have used my fingernails...which, though entirely bitten off due to the high levels of stress, would have worked better than the Dollar General piece of shit I was using.

We hit the road.
As I rounded the corner to face the sun, the small amount of heat from our soulless bodies fogged the inside of the windshield and I slammed on the breaks. Stranded between the Super 8 and the Texas Roadhouse Diner (of Kentucky) I couldn't see past my nose.

Washington got out to block the traffic (what a bro) so I could pull the van into the Texas Roadhouse parking lot to wipe the windshield clear...

with yellow napkins (that were once white) found in the glove box.

There's a VERY thin line between my laughs and sobs.

My tour closes the day my student loans start.

Hey Mom, do I have life insurance?

TJB: Making It

Bowling n' Beers and yet Oh So Gay

 Saturdays on this tour are the WORST. By 3PM the cast had already exhausted the entertainment options for the day: Lunch at Big Boy, a workout a the YMCA, and another refusal to see Puss in Boots. We were forced to ask our I-coulda-been-in-pictures waitress the age old question:

"Is there a Big Lots around here?"

And by golly there sure was.

In a town that's still allowed to exist simply because Abraham Lincoln once said a few words on a balcony, you can always count on Big Lots.

Big Lots: if it ain't $2, it ain't worth buying.

As I filled my arms with a bag of tortilla chips, beef jerky, and a box of un-frosted mini-wheat cereal that I didn't even want but couldn't resist for $2, I wondered if this was all Saturday had to bring.

I remembered my publicist had recently sent me the cell number of my new Making It co-star and I decided that if there was a time to strike up a conversation, wandering around Big Lots was it. I figured we would need a trail of misinterpreted text conversations if we wanted any tabloid worthy drama in the future.

 Me: whattup?
Skippyjames: in the van
Me: where to?
Skippyjames: Champaign

HOLD. UP. Champaign, IL? That was only half an hour away from where our cast was currently wasting away. This called for a meet and greet.

Several text messages, a call to the publicist, and an alert of the paparazzi had the two casts scheduled for bowling...

because what else is there to do in the Midwestern region of Hell?

As we walked into the bowling alley, I could tell we were the most color this part of town had seen since the 60s. Suddenly, I was glad I had left my beautiful hounds-tooth scarf at home and opted for the navy hoodie instead of the lime green one. My blonde locks were already enough of a rainbow flag for the soccer dad on Lane 5. A bit nervous but standing tall, I looked to my Skippyjames and we both thought the same thing...

BEER

Thank GOD the corn-fed bartender had once starred in his high school production of Brigadoon. We were in good hands.

Not only did each cast member of both shows have a glass, they had their own PITCHER. This was going to be a night to remember...up until pitcher #3.

Once we realized bowling balls were being thrown instead of rolled and the Jesus look-a-like desk clerk was emptying the trash cans, we knew this party would have to continue elsewhere.

TO THE LA QUINTA WE GO!

...and that's about where it ends...at least as far as an accurate retelling goes...

There was a bottle of something...maybe 2, some board game that involved loud singing (perhaps unrelated to each other) and a van full of McDonald's wrappers this morning.

and since I woke up wearing a ring that wasn't mine, I'm guessing the tabloids will be talkin.

Mission accomplished.

Sorry for the picture texts Mom,

TJB: Making It


.

guess which one is mine? #tourlife

Listen, YOU are SUPER but All I want for Christmas is an iPhone

I was sitting in the Chili's next to our palace of a Courtyard Marriott (at least when you're used to truck-stop Super 8's...no the company didn't book this for us...) practically CHUGGING my much needed margarita and chatting with John Adams when it hit us...

What the hell were we supposed to do on our day off? A panicked Google search gave us only a sports museum of some sort and God knows this cast had about ZERO interest in that. I mean, one of the straight boys might have seen it as an opportunity to redeem some masculinity by pretending to be intrigued in the idea but PLEASE...we know.

Then it hit me: we were in TOLEDO. I remembered meeting a dude at Boys' State (a government camp...not a gay camp...but close) my junior year of high school who was from southern Detroit and mentioned how he basically lived in Toledo...that meant Toledo was close to Detroit...which meant Toledo was about an hour away from Ann Arbor...but SCREW Ann Arbor because Ann Arbor is about an hour away from Frankenmuth which meant

WE WERE ONLY TWO HOURS AWAY FROM FRANKENMUTH!!

My hometown. The town that birthed this blond beauty was just glistening on the other side of the border.

Still, there was one huge obstacle. My cast hadn't left our hotel rooms on a day off since September.  Motivation would be near impossible. I tried to lead in with something big.

"The largest Christmas store in the world!!"

Disney & Christmas obsessed John Adams was in...the others would need more convincing...

I would have to play my trump card...

"My parents will by us lunch..."

FREE FOOD?! This cast was in need of anything FREE and free FOOD was the mecca. They were game.

The next morning, we piled into Harriett and started our journey with some Mariah Carey and Michael Buble Christmas hits (only one straight boy came...and naturally, it was his Pandora...)

The bonus of the trip for me was that I'd get to stop by my house and empty half of my suitcase. It turns out I didn't need 5 swimsuits and 6 pairs of shoes on this trip. I also dropped off my formal wear seeing as our opportunities to attend any cocktail parties were slowly dwindling as we hit November. I was shocked when I was able to lift my suitcase by myself for the first time.

After unloading my extra baggage, I stole some Diet Coke from the fridge and we went to meet my mother for lunch.

Mom showed up in an earth tone ensemble that can only be described as "chic". Her alligator pumps were a middle finger to Peta and I had never been so proud for anyone to meet my stunning mother. She flipped her hair, said "lunch is on me" and the cast was smitten. While I was slightly confused at why my cast would order Chicken Parmesan at a German restaurant, the free lunch was a hit. And after free lunch?

FREE DESSERT!

The cast was in heaven as they forgot about the gym for once and scrambled to find the best looking 1200 calories they would ever taste. And after freeloading off my parents, we kissed my mother goodbye (she couldn't remember a single name, but when you look that good you don't have to) and set off on the town.

I was nervous. It's hard to show people your hometown when you're still conflicted as to whether you think it's awesome or the reason you hate life. On this particular day, I was feeling mostly nostalgic and a bit sad as I realized that half of what I remembered from childhood had already changed.

But thank GOD everyone still had a white cross in their front yard. I wouldn't want the African Princess to feel TOO at ease.

A couple hours through Michigan's Little Bavaria prepared us for what we had ultimately come to conquer:

Bronner's Christmas Wonderland.

Even as we pulled into the parking lot, I could feel myself getting overwhelmed. I had experienced the sensory overload of Bronner's more than a hundred times and I was still getting panicky. The cast paused as we entered the doors to take it slowly. When you're a Bronner's virgin, you've gotta take it slow or it's gonna hurt.

Wait, where did Adams go? OH CRAP HE SAW MICKEY!...it's gonna hurt.

Two hours later as I found myself alone in a Dickens village, the cast came crawling back to me from all sides considering pressing charges on what could be classified as Sexual Assault by Christmas. Exhausted and confused, not ready to discuss what they had just been through we made our way back to Harriet, pulling tinsel out of our anus.

(just trying to keep it classy)

On our way back to Toledo and everything bad about the world, we stopped to see my father, Dr. J. I was nervous to introduce my cast to the man who was responsible for the J of TJB...well the JB of TJB...well basically all of the TJB...and I started to think

Oh. Damn. I miss my parents. Sure today was an escape from the hell of traveling cross country in the van, but what excited me the most was being able to see my parents...the people who inspired me to do what I love (and I don't mean this tour). They didn't even hand me any cash this time! Genuine emotions were involved...

I'm going to brush that one back under the rug and pretend I'm not crying.

The point is...Christmas is on its way, and I'll get to be with my family again...and they'll have cash then...or maybe an iPhone...maybe an iPHONE...HOPEFULLY an iPhone...AN IPHONE!...did you get that Mom?

And now that I stop getting paid December 9th, I'll be living a true actor's Christmas of broke-ass-ness and unemployment purgatory. 'TIS THE SEASON!

I still have an entire pumpkin pie...for the next 10 minutes,

TJB: Making It