boys who like boys who like girls

If you're a true fan of me (or if you're my mother who still reads this only because she's hoping I'll announce my engagement to a famous actress because all I needed was "the right SUCCESSFUL girl")...sorry I got off track...

If you're a true fan of me, you'll remember how I feel about actors. So, I always had a simple process for how to make friends and survive the process of a musical:

1. Find the prettiest girl in the cast (in relation to her talent)
2. Befriend her immediately
3. Make sure everyone knows the two of you RUN SHIT

The process was flawless in college where a hierarchy of beauty and talent had been set in place prior to the first day of rehearsal, and my last cast only had one girl in it so she won by default...

The professional...excuse me...the "professional" world is proving to be much tougher than I had anticipated.

Yes, it does seem that I was handed a rare gem when pretty-girl-whose-name-I-can't-remember-because-I-keep-calling-her-pretty-girl seemed to be the easy choice

but my gay roommate snagged her like a marked down Marc Jacobs bag.

So I had to walk into the first day of rehearsal ALONE.

HOW EMBARRASSING.

Luckily, we started with shoe fittings, so I could hide my loneliness in the comforting laces of new footwear.

And just as I turned to toss a pair of hideous green slip-ons into the "NO WAY NEVER" pile I had started, I saw her...

She was blonde. She was fit. She was beautiful.

She was mine.

I made a few awkward jokes to break the ice and noticed her baton.

Baton?! Is this her? Is this Nicole?! Is this the vision that plays my best friend in the show?!

IT WAS FATE.

I sat my script and score on the stand next to hers and sank down into...well a hard ass metal chair, but I didn't care because I had found my best friend.

And things didn't stop there. While the two of us sat flipping our blonde locks in our self-made winds of beauty, a tall and chiseled brunette boy sat to my left. I was speechless. He was the lead of the show, Jake, and hence

my new SHOWMANCE.

I couldn't WAIT to tell Nicole that I was practically engaged and she would of course be my maid of honor since she was there the first time I met my husband

until I picked up on something strange...

Me: Oh...do you two know each other?
Nicole: We went to school together.
Me: Oh...and now she lives in New York so...were you friends in school?
Jake: Well...sort of...she's staying at my apartment.
Me: Oh...so you're friends now?
Nicole: Well...sort of...
Me: (awkwardly laughing) Haha WHAT did you two DATE or something I'm SO confused...

Nicole: We're dating now.

They're dating...now...

and that's the story of how Nicole became my EX BFF.

Nobody steals my man.

I really need to get out of Ohio,

TJB: Making It

home is where the heart is SHOT

I just spent a few days back at Northwestern University doing what I do best

wishing I was in college again.

I had this weird experience of being torn between my adult friends with their adult jobs and adult schedules and adult relationships

juxtaposed against

my college friends with their college parties and college problems and college "relationships"

and I realized once again:

The "real world" is just a bunch of people who are angry college is over.

I'm one of them.

Although when my week of paradise ended today and I boarded my puddle-jumper airplane to Dayton, Ohio where I will spend the next two months dancing, singing, and playing the trombone while saying sassy one-liners

I began to question if there even IS a "real world"...at least one that I'll ever be a part of...

Fast forward to meeting my cast members where I'm reminded my first impressions are always made questionably.

Me: Hi, I'm Tyler.
Girl: Nice to meet you.
Me: You're like...REALLY pretty...

and I don't even remember if there was a retort because suddenly I was Regina George circa 2004 and had luckily just paused my computer speakers from blasting "Call Me Maybe" for the 15th time in a row.

Still, somehow I managed to target myself as "THAT guy" once again.

 But I was set up! My roommate and pretty-girl-whose-name-I-can't-remember-because-I-keep-calling-her-pretty-girl had flown here together and spent hours getting to know each other before they burst in on me in the midst of a Carly Rae Jepsen dance session with their chummy smiles and unexpected good looks...

A SET UP I TELL YOU!

But they invited me to Trader Joe's anyway...which is when I began to question if anybody was going to share my addiction for take-out and delivery which spurred my panick attack of THERE IS NO SEAMLESS.COM IN DAYTON, OHIO!

 So I bought groceries...Well, I bought "groceries" because I think I ended up with bananas and mustard...and a case of Diet Coke so...you know...the essentials...

and then as I tried to make conversation on the drive:

Me: So, that bar that's downstairs of our apartment building? They pointed to it on my drive here and said not to go there. Said it was sketchy. I thought they meant college-kids-tryna-sketchy and got excited, but I guess it's like townies-sketchy and was told to never go in there...I wonder why.
Pretty Girl: Yeah, I researched this area and found out someone got shot there a couple of months ago.

Welcome home TJB...welcome home...

Sing me out Carly Rae,

TJB: Making It

Parks, Plays, and Pulitzers

There is nothing like a Broadway opening night to make you feel like a celebrity.

There is also nothing like a Broadway opening night to make you feel like a nobody.

I'll be straight up with you America and let you know that I do not have the hookup...my friends do. So when one of my favorite partners-in-crime MRudd asked to reunite at the opening of Clybourne Park, I was ON IT.

As you'll remember, I rarely have a pair of shoes with attached soles, so the first thing I did was buy a new pair of bright blue Converse.

Because I'm THAT guy.

When I approached the crowd outside of the theater, I waited down the block to avoid further feelings of inferiority. Since I had zero text messages or e-mails to answer (remember I'm NOBODY), I tapped my fingers on the home screen of my iPhone 4S for 15 minutes and furrowed my brow.

I could hear what sounded like an enthusiastic conversation behind me, and since I wasn't actually focusing on anything I decided to eavesdrop. Turns out, the conversation was actually pretty boring until I heard

"Charles, you know Michael Greif. Michael, this is Charles."

OH SHIT, CHARLES! THAT'S MICHAEL GREIF!

I froze. Three feet away with me was my most recent job rejection and I was left facing a brick wall like an idiot until he walked away

because I would rather look like an idiot facing a brick wall than look like an idiot that Michael Greif doesn't recognize from that time I pretended to be a drumming tranny.

TRANNY.

Still, practically licking a brick wall wouldn't be the most awkward moment of my night.

 As I sat in seats I was less than undeserving of, I caught the eye of a producer across the theater. I had been recently introduced to him and he's FAR to kind to entertain me in conversation. As he came over to say hello, I panicked for conversation topics. I knew NOTHING about the play except that my friend had mentioned it in relation to the Pulitzer.

...a prize I used to confuse with the Newbery Medal...

The second his Prada suit and D&G tie got within earshot, I began to word vomit!

Me: "HEY!!! Are you SO EXCITED?!?! HOPING FOR THE TONY??!! I HEAR THERE'S EVEN TALK IT COULD WITH THE PULITZER!!"

Producer: "Well...it won the Pulitzer last year so...let's hope for the Tony."

I choked. Gallons of sweat and hairspray practically began pouring down my already glowing high cheekbones as I imagined Elaine Stritch could even hear my blunder from the 3rd row as she let out her raspy cackle.

Me: "Oh...how about that...WHOW I SHOULD toTtaLy Use The BATHroOm HoW LonG is this THINg DonT waNt To WAIt tIL InterMisSiON!!! BYE!"

I sat my ass back into my seat with MRudd laughing at me until the house lights dimmed.

The play was, of course, deserving of its Pulitzer Prize and probably even the Newbery Medal, but all I needed was the open bar.

So we strutted down Broadway to the beautiful Gotham banquet hall and ordered drinks like we were SOMEBODY.

and when you're TJB and MRudd, you realize you are EVERYBODY.

STEP and REPEAT.

I hope I'm blonde forever,

TJB: Making It

No Day But (definitely not) Today....

So.......

........so...........

um..........sooooo.........

So.

I didn't get it.

and even though booking RENT just months out of college would have been a dream come true

I feel like this bitch ------------->

Side note:

It cost me $107 to ship my trombone to Ohio.

I paid $120 for it 12 years ago.

Thank GOD for contracts, because my ass would have played the air-trombone to save $107.

and that's no way to sell tickets.

Oh what? I have to attend another opening night on Broadway?

Excuse me while I go SWAG.

What Would Abby Lee Miller Do?,

TJB: Making It







 

How did I get here but more importantly how do I get THERE?

I used to say in college that I was the "almost there kid". You know the one. You have your top three or maybe even top two and you think

(a la Elle Woods)
"It's almost there but..."

That dress was me...only I wasn't hugging the ass of Laura Bell Bundy and her struggling career. I was hugging my own ass and no career.

So when two days had passed since my RENT callback, I assumed I could stop listening to the (coughmoviecough) soundtrack on repeat and focus on my Regional career once again.

AND THEN THEY REMEMBERED HOW AWESOME I AM AND CALLED

That's right, the T-MACHINE wasn't done chewing me like yesterday's leftovers yet. I was asked to come back for the director and creative team.

So yesterday when I sat with my very proud (how far I've come) agent to sign my BAND GEEKS contracts, we chose the window of Starbucks overlooking the stage door of RENT. I could barely focus on the dotted lines as my heart kept hoping these contracts would be useless within 48 hours when I would be ripped away by Michael Greif himself to be yet another Northwestern boy (the last of which I still duck into corners to avoid on 8th Ave.) to star (or at least understudy) in his glorious production.

So with a newly washed bright blue hoodie, I walked my ass through the sweltering heat of Manhattan and up to the casting offices.

NOTE: I was lucky enough to perform after a studly "Collins" from my same agency who had the voice of an African sex god and the body of three African sex gods.

I have the voice of a 16 year old girl and the body of half a 16 year old girl.

Nevertheless, I strutted my lucky skinny jeans into the room, slapped on all the heart I had left and thought of tearing up all future regional contracts to become a REAL New York actor.

and then I GAVE IT.

I pretended I had AIDS and this was the last chance I had to make commentary on America in the last 20th Century or to be a drag queen of questionable origin and percussive skills.

and then it was over...and I thought to myself...

"It's almost there but..."

So who knows world. Will Elle pick me to wear to her failed engagement dinner? That is to say, will Michael Greif pick me to potentially perform as a lead in his musical should one of the real leads be unavailable to perform and hopefully with enough notice for my mom to fly out here?

Only time will tell.

My Mom only cares about the Disney Cruise line,

TJB: Making It

No Day but Today...but hopefully tomorrow too...

When I went off to college, my best friends from high school told me

"Maybe give it a few days before you're...yourself...you know like...don't be all YOU until you give people a chance to...like you first..."

I had no friends for the first three months of college. Sage advice guys...

But for some reason, I took the same approach to starting my career in NYC. I left every audition feeling like I had morphed into some pansy-ass blonde schlep from Michigan who was just so gee-golly excited to be here in the Big Apple with so many talented people.

I remember staring at myself in the mirror (while belting out Disney's "Reflection" a la Aguleira) and HATING myself. There was no way I was going to continuously be beaten out by brunette punks with bad skin or some kid from a STATE SCHOOL. My life was NO joke.

and that's when I adopted my attitude taught to me by one of my favorite teachers and mentors

HIRE ME, OR F*CK YOU

Some of you might call it "confidence", but I call it

HIRE ME, OR F*CK YOU

and guess what, America? It started working

meaning I started working.

This was all well and fine until the day I was called into *GULP*

Telsey & Co.

Maybe this name doesn't send sheer terror shivering down your spine

but that's because you're NOBODY

and Telsey & Co. only deals with SOMEBODIES.

and I was becoming a SOMEBODY.

I knew that Telsey would crush my HIRE ME, OR F*CK YOU straight back to the NonEq tour of The Addams Family and I was panicking. I have no business playing Mark in RENT any more than Joey Fatone did and, unlike him, I surprisingly have no boy-band fame to fall back on.

At this point in panic, most actors would hire somebody for what we call a "coaching" to prepare for the audition. I, unfortunately, did not have $100 to give so that some NYU grad could ask me what my "objective" is...

32 bars and one sustained note does not an objective make.

So I just did what I normally do...put on my brightly colored hoodie, say something awkwardly charming, sing some music like a BALLER and mentally think the entire time

HIRE ME, OR F*CK YOU

and guess what America?

It worked. NO NO NO they didn't hire me, but they did ask to see me again...and with Telsey & Co. and $4 in my pocket, that feels like booking Broadway...

or at least the NonEq tour of American Idiot.

Hey Mom, I might be playing a character with AIDS! 

There are so many empty bottles of shame on my desk,

TJB: Making It

March 22, 2012: The Day I Became a Man

Ever since I entered adulthood at age 18, I dreamed of entering REAL adulthood at the age of 23. I couldn't wait to be out of college and immersed in the real world for an entire year. Upon graduating high school, I told a banquet of my peers "give me 5 years and I'll be on Broadway" because I knew 23 was my year. My soul could feel it. My biological clock (I have one right?) was ticking towards it.

Well, I have to say, dreaming of 23 was much more fun at 18. The day before my 23rd birthday, I stared in the mirror and thought to myself

I'M NOT READY! No way is my life on an upswing. In fact, I had been singing the entire score of Les Miserables to myself for the past month

and that's when you KNOW you're having a gay breakdown. Every time the subway train entered the station, I belted Eponine into the drowning screeches like the group of Latina girls next to me didn't know what was up.

But when I woke up on March 22, 2012...my 23rd birthday...everything changed.

OK well...I woke up an hour and a half late for my Disney audition. I barely had time to warm up some A Whole New World in the shower before sprinting into the studios.

But they LIKED me. In fact, the LOVED me. They asked me back, put me on film, stroked my ego like it was a big black

...cat...

and said they'd be in touch. SURE it could've just been an awkward OK Cupid style "I'll call you" but DISNEY LIKED ME. And that's all I needed on my birthday.

But that wasn't all I was getting...because I'm ME.

My co-star surprised me by planning an entire adventure around NYC. I was given the opportunity to walk across the entire city and fall in love with it once again.

I mean, we ate lunch at HOOTERS for Christ sake. HOOTERS and DISNEY!? I was in alleged-Christian-Heaven.

but the best part came as we were walking across the Brooklyn Bridge for the very first time. I turned around to look at the skyline and whispered

"I love this city"

for the first time in months.

And just as I took my iPhone 4S (the most up to date Apple iPhone I'll remind you) I saw it

a voicemail from my agent.

He had good birthday NEWS.

Just as I fell in love with NYC all over again he told me

I'M GOING TO DAYTON, OHIO BITCHES!!!!!!!!!

That's right. I booked Band Geeks: a new musical about high school kids who play instruments and just want to be cool, but not in a GLEE kind of way...in like a....well yeah in a GLEE kind of way.

and yes...I play a sassy gay kid...

So there it is. Less than 12 hours at 23 and I was already booking shows.

TJB is BACK...and he's about to take Ohio by storm.

Watch out Show-About-Cute-Mormon-Boys-Who-I'd-Totally-Mouth-Kiss...I'm coming for you next...again...

Free to be 23,

TJB: Making It