While You Were Out

Fridays are my favorite day of the week. If you screw up Friday night, you still have Saturday!

Oh boy did I screw up Friday.

I left work feeling accomplished and fulfilled, knowing my best friend was ready to rage the night away. I didn't even care when my Sperry Top-sider laces came untied because nothing was going to trip me up! I took the stairs to the train two at a time and hummed showtunes the whole way! LIFE WAS BEAUTIFUL! IT WAS FRIDAY!

Then, my friend called saying she had a sinus infection and would be staying in.

Well, fuck.

I tied my laces and ditched the showtunes. Having years of experience in the Friday night industry, I knew there was no bouncing back from plans that were canceled after 6PM. I had to succumb to the inevitable, so I stopped at Walmart, purchased two bottles of wine, ordered chicken Pad Thai, and went over to my friends to watch her pop Nyquil and Sudafed. At least I would get some social interaction before she passed out (from the G&Ts I poured, not the Nyquil).

The real problems started when she turned on Dateline. I probably haven't watched Dateline since I was 10 years old sitting in The Great Room of my upper-middle-class family's mansion in the woods. You know, back when the only struggles I knew of the world came from Friday night prime-time. Oh, and from being a flaming gay kid in the middle of a conservative Christian town. Now, I can't seem to get enough struggle in my life.

BRING IT ON JOSH MANKIEWICZ!

As soon as the first Twitter pop-up appeared in the corner of the screen, I was in for the kill. I was practically narrating the show though a live Twitter feed. Once news anchor Josh Mankiewicz and Dateline NBC started responding, something changed in me. I felt powerful, I felt important, I felt on top of the world.

Two hours and 67 Tweets later, I have plans to get lunch with Mr. Mankiewicz and Dateline whenever I'm back in NYC.

I finished my G&T, remembered that I was in my best friend's apartment, acknowledged her presence one final time, and took my wine to have a good cry.

You know those times when you need a good cry? You're not really sad, but you haven't been sad in a while, and you just need to let it all out or else the next time you are really sad you'll either stab somebody or adopt a cat? I decided two bottles of wine was a good time to do it.

I stopped and started approximately 12 movies on my Netflix

- and by my Netflix, I mean my friend Ian's Netflix because what kind of bougie person has their own Netflix account -

I just couldn't find the right crying material. I needed something that would get to my gut but not make me feel unattractive.

Just at that moment, the universe could tell I needed help. My ex-boyfriend (the dancer, not the mini-jerk or the movie mogul) texted that he would be visiting Chicago in the coming weeks.

And it hit me. Only one person in the world could make me cry like I needed to. The one person who could understand what I've been through, and what I still have yet to go through, more than anyone.

Judy Garland

I scoured YouTube and found Life With Judy Garland: Me and My Shadows. I'm not sure if you've ever seen this made-for-TV masterpiece, but you can find all 3 glorious hours right on the very screen you're currently staring at. I highly suggest you culture yourself and do so.

I had my cry. I sobbed and sobbed and felt what Judy felt, and we connected beyond the decades that separated us through the lyrics of Arlen and Gershwin and a bunch of other gays.

Then I woke up in bed alone next to an empty bottle of wine and pile of tissues.

Thank GOD I still have Saturday,

TJB: Making It

People Who Need People

Long before I started a blog, I had this plan to write a book where each chapter was dedicated to a person who had somehow influenced my life's direction in chronological order. I started a draft of it on the first computer my family owned when I was in 6th grade. Somewhere on a Gateway hard-drive in the back of my parent's basement is Chapter 1. It's about a girl I had a crush on in pre-school whose name I couldn't remember until I met her again when she was on my sister's softball team 7 years later. I offered her half of my last piece of gum. True chivalry. She declined.

I had a conversation this weekend with someone I had just met who asked about why I moved back to Chicago. I gestured to a group of my friends and said, "People." The rest of the conversation went something like this:

Him: You moved back here for them?
Me: No, I moved back here because I wanted to spend time with them.
Him: And because you wanted to give up acting?
Me: I don't remember saying that.
Him: But you're not acting.
Me: Correct.
Him: So what are you doing?
Me: Spending time with them.

Yes, I was purposefully trying to be a dick, but I feel we too often complicate the reason we do things, or rather, complicate what we think we should  be doing.

For instance, people who crave soup. I'm not trying to generalize by saying that everyone who has ever said they're craving soup is full of shit. However, I think most people are afraid to say, "I'm feeling fat, so I should keep my calorie intake under 300," or, "I'm broke-ass, so I shouldn't spend more than $3."

But to be clear, nobody craves hot water with vegetables in it.

Today as I was on my run (because I don't want to be fat and have a poor body-image), I began thinking about what an influential man had once taught me. You have to know exactly why you're doing something in order to get any real fulfillment out of it. Rarely is that reason complicated. Unfortunately, we often feel pressured to make it so. You want artistic fulfillment? Great, but if you really just want to be rich and famous, you won't get either. If you could just admit you want to be rich and famous from the get-go, you still might not get it...but you'll at least expedite the process of false soul-searching and approach it with the necessary drive.

Why am I doing what I'm doing? Because I want to be happy and have fun. My life since graduating college has been a clusterf*ck, but every decision I've made has been in the pursuit of fun. Sure, some people see that as noncommittal and irresponsible, but everything I've done, I've given it 110%.

I also want to be rich and famous and have everyone think I'm really pretty. But, we all want that.

What do I need to achieve those dreams? People. We all need people. And you might as well like the people you need, because if you don't, it will feel empty every time they tell you how pretty you are.

Now let me skip the false soul-searching and say this: I will continue to make a lot of sporadic and off-the-cuff decisions in the pursuit of myself. But oh my GOD is it fun. If it weren't, you probably would've stopped reading this piece of shit blog years ago.

But if you stick with it, there might just be a chapter reserved for you somewhere on a Gateway hard drive.

I'm off to eat some soup because I'm feeling fat and broke-ass,

TJB: Making It

I Try

Many people spent the weekend reuniting with friends and family at barbecues. I would bet that few of those friends and families put on a full-blown concert. I agree that "friends are the family we choose", but The Freshman Fifteen is the family that chooses you.

I didn't plan on auditioning for an all-male a cappella group when I went to Northwestern. I didn't think I could hold up against all that testosterone, which does exist despite the homo-eroticism. Somehow, one of the bros convinced me via a text message while I was in the bathroom at Barnes & Noble. I went to audition on the spot and somehow ended up in the most beautiful fluke of my life.

I usually start writing these blog posts knowing what to say. I cry a lot when I write them even when they're funny, because there's something incredibly humbling yet terrifying about being able to see your life in writing. I'm also just a really amazing writer. But I can't remember ever feeling this moved or confused or completely overwhelmed by emotions...

and I think that's exactly F15.

This weekend, I stood on stage, and sat in the audience, and shotgunned beers, and had brunch with, and laughed with, and cried with the men who have spanned 15 years of what I hold to be the #1 reason I don't regret spending $200,000 on a degree. Had it not been for them, I might have actually submitted one of the five transfer applications I filled out to UMich the beginning of freshman year.

During a road trip senior year, I earnestly asked some of them, "How do people make friends if they're not in F15?" Thankfully, I'll never really know the answer.

There are some I love to hate, some I love to irritate, and even some I've fallen in love with. But there isn't a single one I don't love in some sense of the word. Plenty I don't like, but none I don't love. Some of them know all too well what they have done for me, and I can only hope to return a small majority of what's been given. But debt does not exist in the bank of brotherhood.

...that was...pretty good...

When the weekend was coming to an end, I don't think any of us really knew how to say goodbye. So, we just stood in a circle and sang every song we could remember until we peeled away one by one to head to airports, parents, and more drinking.

I first performed "I Try" at a show that took place the weekend of my grandmother's funeral. My parents knew how important the 10th anniversary show was to me, and I remember looking at these guys before I started singing and knowing that this song described just how I felt about them. Five years later, at the 15th anniversary, nothing has changed. Nothing will ever change.

and I think that's exactly F15.

ILU,

TJB: Making It

Trust the T, not the B

My blog just hit 40,000 views and I just watched an unaired episode of a cancelled TV show that stripped my soul bare and showed me the truth about my life in under 20 minutes.

That show is the enormously underrated, assuredly award-winning Don't Trust the B---- in Apartment 23. 

Long story short, Midwestern blonde bitch moves to NYC and has a sassy and fabulous roommate with which to have endless shenanigans that end in quirky life lessons. In the aforementioned episode, the sassy fabulous one teaches the Midwestern blonde one that she never really wanted to be with that boy she liked in 7th grade, but only thought she did because she never got it out of her system and kept asking, "What if?"

Essentially, there are a lot of awesome things going on in my life. I have my own apartment. I pay my own bills. I discovered an amazing hairstyle that over-compliments my bone structure. I have a job I thought I had no business doing but somehow ended up being really good at. Hell, I was just asked to come back to be seen by the artistic team of a Broadway show...OK, it's on a cruise ship, but still. Six months later, somebody is still interested in me.

So 24 years later, why am I not still interested in myself?

Because I let a boy get to me. Because for years, I've been treating him like the one that got away, when in reality

I let myself get away.

*clutch tissues to mouth and squint eyes*

I moved back to Chicago for a lot of strange reasons. For one, I really wanted to party here for New Year's Eve and couldn't afford a round-trip ticket. I also felt like I had to prove I wasn't wasting my brain while trying to be an actor. There's also an insane reunion of my a cappella group next weekend that I was worried I wouldn't get to be a part of because I was such a great actor and would surely be filming somewhere.

But to be bluntly honest, I sort of thought love-struck 17 year old me had some unfinished business to move back for.

OK FINE I WAS 18! I just don't like feeling old.

Turns out, America (and I think I'm big in Spain now), I was the only one who thought so. Apparently, I just needed a sassy girl on a nixed sitcom to tell me. And if I can take rejection from Broadway, I can take rejection from this.

What's next? I don't really know.

Just kidding, I have so much more bad TV to watch and a really cute outfit planned for tomorrow.

There's Pad Thai all over my pillow,

TJB: Making It

YouTube or You Lose

We've all had those nights at home alone with a bottle of wine when we realize we have zero friends and we'll never amount to anything and we'll die alone and nobody will remember us and the person who finds us on the bathroom floor will probably just close the door and quietly back away while the cats cuddle up next to our decaying body.

How do I find myself in such places given I have such flawless bone structure, am 6'1", blonde, and insanely talented? Usually, I find myself falling down a YouTube wormhole brought on by bottomless glasses of Malbec and Twitter feeds of ex boyfriends. But, after years of tears and self-deprecating humor, I have discovered how to climb out of the deep, dark pit of YouTube emotions. You just have to know which related videos to click and in which order. 

Get ready America. You're about to be taken on a turbulent journey of emotions. My emotions. This could get ugly (and really gay). Clear you calendar and cork the wine because you're not going anywhere. 

It's the first glass and I'm just not sure how I'm feeling. So, I turn to Alice Ripley singing "Meadowlark" in a production of The Bakers Wife directed by a former director of mine (who I admit is very handsome and has received an unfortunate amount of unsolicited drunk texts...so sorry). The song is sad, happy, sad again, happy, hopeful, bittersweet, and as bipolar as Diana Goodman. 

I've decided her tearful Irish goodbye at the end is just enough to send me towards the dark side. I probably didn't belong with any of those boys anyway, right? But maybe I did. But maybe we should have? How can I tell? Maybe Sondheim can help me. Let's check in:

Oh my GOD, she's right. We're pregnant and he doesn't care and we might as well just move across the ocean because WTF. Let's sing another really emotional song about leaving from the musical that changed my life, sung by a woman who was never in that musical. Currently, I'm pouring my second (or third) glass:

So, my apartment is packed and I've decided I'm moving back to Chicago or back to New York, or whichever city I'm not currently living in. Now I'm wondering if maybe this is just who I am. Maybe I should just stick it out because this masochistic lifestyle is a part of me, and maybe I like it that way. Hey Julia, do you know any songs about that? Of course you do:

OK, we've pretty much hit rock bottom. I'm looking at that second bottle of wine and telling myself, "NO! We can beat this!" But I can't seem to fully shake the masochistic quality of it all. I must speak my mind through song (one I sing really well), only sung by this guy who sings it better. Dedicated readers, in a huge and unexpected move...I unveil to you: The Boy With the Leather Jacket. 

I'm back to that maybe-I-can feeling, but I need to build myself up more. Let's sing a song about how smart and amazing I am and everyone back home thinks I'm awesome, but OMG what if I'm not, but I probably still am? If you ever see me walking down the street and my mouth is moving, I'm probably singing this song:

I can do this. I want it. But I want MORE. I turn to my embarrassingly passionate love of Disney (and face my fear of gingers):

YES! YES! I will have love! I will have fame! GIVE IT TO ME!

Yes. This is it. My bottle of wine is finished and I've talked myself out of getting a cat. I return to Sondheim to remind myself that even though times can be dark, there can be a happy ending as long as you keep moving on: 

We've done it. We've come full circle, and even though I'm drunk, I'm feeling more motivated than ever. I turn to the performance I saw during one of my first trips to NYC, music directed by a man who means as much to me as a father. I watch this video before every audition when I need that extra kick before walking out the door, reminding myself that the only direction you need is "forward". 

Finish your wine,

TJB: Making It

moms are cool

"From you, I learned to be me."

I have the best mom in the world. You might think your mom is better, but you're probably wrong. I mean, her name is Monica and she was featured in Lou Bega's "Mambo No. 5".

I had started to draft a really meaningful post about how much she inspires me, and how if I could only be half the woman she is today I could be America's Next Drag Superstar...but I was too hungover for anything quality.

Happy Mother's Day

Instead, I decided to give you my TOP 5 MONICA MOMENTS. Are they really the best five moments I've ever had with my mom? Probably not. But these are a special five moments that will give America an inside glance into our special relationship, and show you just why I love her so much.

1. I was probably 6 years old, though I told everyone I was 16. I thought that joke was hilarious. I also thought it would be hilarious too "moon" my mom as I passed by her in the kitchen. I said, "Hey Mom, this is for you," and flashed her my cheeks. Her hand shot out so fast to slap my ass, I was in awe. "You pansy ass," she said with a distinct frankness.  Monica will never be caught off guard. No 6 year old has ever laughed harder.

2, My parents always came to kiss us goodnight when we were younger. Sometimes, I would make my mom crawl into bed with me when I was upset about something. When I was 7, this always happened the night before a piano lesson. If you knew my piano teacher and my need for perfection, you would understand. So, every Thursday night my mom would plan to lay next to me while I cried and cried. When the day came that I stopped crying about piano lessons, my mom crawled into bed next to me and asked, "How do you get through the hard stuff?" I said, "Mom, I just realized that eventually, everything has to be over. Even the bad things." She still tells me that tip inspires her daily. I guess I peaked at 7.

3. It was my junior year of high school and I had recently come out to my family (as gay...in case that was unclear). My sister had recently started dating a new boy. None of us had met him yet, but he was reportedly a big hunter/fisher type. My family was in the kitchen as my sister waited nervously for him to come up the driveway. As soon as we saw his pick-up truck roll in, my mom shouted at me, "Quick! Go put on your rainbow beads and give him a parade!" That's how I knew everything was going to be OK.

4. My dad and I came home from an errand run and went around to the pool where we had left my mother doing yard work. We didn't see her anywhere. All we saw was a hedge trimmer and a trail of blood. We panicked. We shouted for her to no response. Surely, she had been murdered. We followed the trail of blood into the house, down the hallway, and into a bathroom where we found my mother curled up on the floor cradling her hand, barely able to speak. She had caught her pinky finger on the blade. Not chopped off, but just the tip of the finger was gashed open. I don't know why I laughed so hard, and I felt like a terrible son...but there was so much blood. I left my father to deal with it. Don't worry, she still has a fully functioning pinky.

5. I came home for spring break my freshman year of college. It was that awkward stage at 19 when you were slowly discovering what your relationship with your parents was becoming now that you didn't live at home. No conversation about college ever touched what happens after 5PM. As I helped prepare Easter dinner and the conversation between my mother and I lulled to an awkward silence, she came from the fridge, sat a bottle of wine down on the counter next to two glasses and said, "Let's stop pretending. Cork it."

I love you Mom,

TJB: Making It

Parents Can't Stop My Swerve

Great parents have a strange way of making you feel like you can do anything, but also that you can't do anything right. My parents are probably the best parents, so I spent a weekend feeling both incredibly motivated and incredibly disappointed in myself.

Just kidding, I'm like the best son in the world. 

What being around my parents does make feel is incredibly single. Anyone who's met my parents knows they're pretty close...in a weird Ben Stiller movie sort of way. They do everything together, including Pilates...every morning...even in my studio apartment. I would have complained about the time and lack of space, but then I saw the shoes they bought me. 

Now, anyone who's met me (or read my blog) knows that I'm pretty sure I peaked when I was 17 and will never find another  5'7", 115 lb. jerk to date me again. I get closer to the proverbial knife the longer I go without having interaction with gay men who are not actors, or every time a Trader Joe's cashier comments on my purchase of ice cream, wine, and chocolate. 

No, it's not going to be a romantic night. 

So when my best friend texted me at dinner to say she was suddenly in the mood to go out, I left my parents with the check, threw on a printed top, and took some shots before I dragged that bitch to the gay bar. It had been weeks since I had seen a v-neck T and vodka tonics. I was like a kid at the circus. We perched ourselves at the head of the bar (6'1 blondes belong at the top), and overlooked the colorful kingdom of queens. 

Before I had even finished my first drink, some drunk in a tank top came over to whisper far too loudly into my ear, "My friend in the green shirt over there really wants to talk to you."

I WAS BACK! And green shirt was real  handsome. Sure, he was wearing American Eagle, or Hollister, or something that was popular in 2002, but he was pretty and that's all that mattered. 

No, I didn't go talk to him. Hell, I hadn't even finished my first drink. Have some respect before you prematurely approach me. The point is, I was reminded that I am not completely undesirable just because I spend my time in the shadows of straights.

Watch out kweens, the sun is shining and so is this jawline. And if my spring wardrobe has anything to say about it, I'll have a new ex-boyfriend by the 4th of July!

Now if my hag could just finish finals,

TJB: Making It