Wednesdays

Making friends is hard. In general. At least past the first grade when everything could be based on a preference of dinosaurs over astronauts or My Little Pony versus American Girl. Now, we can't even gender stereotype when we just fucking want somebody to hang out with.

What the hell, America?

I was out to drinks with a "friend" recently. I say "friend" because here's how our conversation went:

Me: I mean, you're my best friend, so you know...
Him: Wait, what?
Me: You understand what I mean because you're my best friend.
Him: Wait...we're not best friends...

I said those exact words in 4th grade to a girl who stole my swing at recess, but somehow I thought 24 would be easier. Instead of pushing him off his barstool, I paid for the drinks and left.

I was a part of an interesting group of characters in college called Wednesdays. Contrary to popular belief, we did not name ourselves. We became a clique shortly after a group of kids who photographed a fake GAP campaign pointed out that we were always drinking together on Wednesday nights (sans puffy vests and striped scarves). Clearly, we were the weird ones.

Three years later, we found ourselves in Chicken Soup for the College Soul: I Couldn't Adjust to College so I Wrote a Mean Story About Kids Who Tried to Include Me but I Decided I Was Better Than Them.

That bitch will never live it down. Her story painted us (through misguided metaphors) as a judgmental group of superficial friends who binge drank and gossiped about people we thought were beneath us.

In reality, we were losers and we knew it. At least that's what our subconscious told us. But when we were together, shoved into a dorm room on the 5th floor sneaking vodka into vending machine V8s, we were the fucking coolest. We were best friends.

I wouldn't have made it through college if it weren't for Wednesdays.

Living in a city of 8.3million people can be lonely, especially if you're just finding out your friends had a different take on your relationship. I was feeling pretty down about it until this morning when I woke up to a string of messages from Wednesdays on a Friday.

All of them single, spiking their coffee, celebrating Valentine's Day the only way we know how.

By being the fucking coolest.

I haven't seen any of them in months, but there isn't a single week that goes by without a Wednesday.

So to you, my best friends. If you're reading, I say: FOUR OUT OF FIVE OF US LIVE IN THE SAME CITY, HOLY HELL, ARE YOU ALL HANGING OUT WITHOUT ME, YOU STUPID BITCHES?!

Once a Wednesday,

TJB: Making It

oh my god i think i was an escort

We never made it to the frat.

I once went on a Valentine's Day date in exchange for a handle of vodka. Oh, to be 18 again. I remember
ordering a salad, because I thought that's what you were supposed to eat on dates (and because I have always been a skinnybitch). I left hungry, but more disappointingly, I left without vodka in hand. Three days later, I trekked through a snowstorm to pick up my payment. Smirnoff. Apparently, I was a cheap date. 

That handel created one of the most notorious nights of my college career.

That was probably one of my best Valentine's Days. In fact, in elementary school, I threw up 4 years in a row on Valentine's Day. I'll never forget projectile vomiting grilled cheese and noodle soup in the principal's office. Fourth grade. In fifth grade, I was lucky enough to puke before I left the house, missing my "girlfriend's" mom picking us up for an off-campus lunch date. To be fair, I thought she would grow up to be a lesbian anyway. 

Senior year of high school, I broke up with my boyfriend the week before Valentine's Day because I was afraid he was going to outdo me. The next day, my best friend brought me a bag full of gifts he had planned to surprise me with throughout the day, ending in an invitation to his school's Spring Fling. At least I was right. He would have outdone me. 

Junior year of college, my friends and I tried to attend a Cupid party at the Jewish fraternity after recreating aforementioned "Handle Night" from paragraph one. I woke up asleep on my friend who was Jewish, but not in the fraternity. So I guess I kind of completed the mission.  

I did have one Valentine's Day worth smiling about. I received a heart shaped box full of 50+ McDonald's BBQ sauces the guy had collected for a month. We broke up the next week because surprises gave me anxiety. He now lives with his boyfriend in Portland in a very chic apartment. He's incredibly happy. I'm incredibly happy for him. SO happy for him. Just...so happy. 

So, what am I doing this year? 

I decided to plan a trip to our nation's capitol to see a boy I fell for at a bar. I will meet his entire family and give him the cheesiest, most thoughtful gift a genius writer like me could think of without drinking myself into a stupor of inadequacy. I will risk everything I have to tell him how head-over-heels I feel in the hopes that he will be stupid enough to match me in said risk of diving head first into what is hopefully the deep end. 

And I will blog bout it.

And he will probably think I'm crazy because I did. 

And maybe I am. 

But luckily, he might be crazier. 

There will be vodka. 

And as long as I don't projectile vomit, this will be far from the worst. 

Tradition,

TJB: Making It

everybody has one, most people are one

I'm almost 25 and I'm not famous yet.

To be honest, I'm a little surprised. Well, my 18 year old self is surprised, but my 24 year old self is sort of like, "You haven't had carbs in 3 days? I'm really proud of you."

I remember seeing a former Northwestern theatre major's Facebook education change to Harvard Law. My heart sank as I thought, "Is that what will happen to me when I'm 25? I'll have given up on my dreams?"

When going to Harvard Law sounds like giving up, you are an asshole. But here I am eons away from Harvard Law. I wish I could teach the next generation not to be assholes like I was.

Scratch that, I thought about this for a 5 minute down-my-wine break.

They should be assholes. They're young, smart, and the prettiest they'll ever be. People still buy them drinks at bars. There are still movies written about their age group because there are still exciting things happening to them.

College kids, enjoy your asshole vanity to the max while you can still get away with it.

The trick? Just don't let people know you're an asshole.

I live with a guy I HATED in college. OK, hate is a strong word, but I literally left parties he showed up to. Don't feel bad for him, everybody else loved him. Was I jealous? No. I was 6'1 and blonde. But oh man, I ignored his entire existence. But then I had my face rubbed into the shit covered sidewalks of NYC and needed a place to live. My shit covered face ended up writing him a check every month. Now, I'm snuggled under a blanket on the couch next to him playing video games.

The point is, you will have to grow up and eat shit someday. Otherwise, people find out you're an asshole. By that time, you're balding, and there's nothing worse than a bald asshole (that is a person). But if I hadn't believed I was the best thing that ever walked the halls of every building I was in from the ages of 18-22, I wouldn't be where I am. In fact, people who were bigger assholes than I was in college are far more successful.

They're still kind of assholes, but they have a lot of hair left.

Do be ready to get called out on the way. Other assholes like to try and take you down by shining a light on your assholeness. Just agree with them. Assholes like to be agreed with.

And if being an asshole somehow fails you, and your world starts crumbling beneath your feet,

just try being nice. Not as fun, but typically yields the same results.

But always be pretty,

TJB: Making It

LOOKING

Balls

Believe it or not, I played a lot of sports growing up. Sure, I also danced and wore a lot of sequined vests
(they eventually won out), but I could hold my own on the court. In fact, I was that kid whose dad coached everything. There was nothing worse as a pre-teen than everybody thinking your dad was cool.

I had one of those daydreams recently where I stared blankly at the wall replaying every I-should've-had-it-in-the-bag moments over the past years, until I realized I still had shampoo in my hair and hadn't even lifted the loofah. As much as I try to avoid regret and emotions at all costs, I was sucked back into a string of if-only-I-had-justs. 

We get a lot of advice in life. Unfortunately, the people giving advice don't have to deal with the consequences. If the advice works out, great. They can say, "I told you so." If the advice doesn't work out, you're left to say, "I should've trusted my gut," months later while standing in the shower with John Frieda Sheer Blonde running down your face. 

But there's one piece of advice that has yet to fail me ever since it was shouted from the dugout by a pretty cool coach (though I rolled my eyes 12 years ago).

"If you're going to strike out, strike out swinging."

Full count. You could take your chances and stand still, hope the pitcher buckles under stress, and slowly walk to first base. But that leaves the call to the umpire.  If you decide to swing, you could hit a homerun. Sure, you might miss, but at least you'll look like a badass with a bat who made your own call. 

To get back to gay, I realized - as I was subtly lightening my hair with expensive salon products - that too often in the past have I allowed the umpire to make the call. What to wear, what to sing, what to say, I let the pitch pass and hoped for the walk. Sad to say, it's resulted in a lot of walks back to the dugout. 

So eighteen days into 2014, I've finally found my resolution. This year, I will strike out swinging

and hope for a homerun. 

And I'll drink a lot of Capri Suns, 

TJB: Making It

MANuscript

Do you know what's really hard?

Dating.

See? You knew that. That's something you know.

I used to subscribe to the Sex and the City mentality that we all have two great loves (Season 5, Episode 1, Anchors Away, F*ck You Charlotte). I had even pinpointed who those two people were, which - as I'm sure you can imagine - made the following relationships all very fulfilling and successful. 

But that episode was 2002. Throw in an unlimited data plan, six dating websites, an increase in the frequency and convenience of public transportation and HOLY HELL you can really go through them.

My first boyfriend was afraid to swallow pills. He battled his anxiety with venti quad Americanos and raspberry white mochas from Starbucks.

My second boyfriend used to lift me up and pretend we were in The Lion King  opening sequence. I was Simba, he was Rafiki. It wasn't as cute as it sounds. At least not after the 5th time.

My third boyfriend once snorted Prozac off of the bar at my friend's birthday party. He claimed I overreacted because he had a prescription for it, so it was no big deal.

My fourth boyfriend was a dancer. Enough said.

My fifth boyfriend couldn't eat pork. For religious reasons, sure, but it made ordering pizza really difficult. It was doomed from day one.

I'm sure there are people I'm leaving out who considered themselves my boyfriends, but including them isn't going to make either of us look better now. You're welcome.

If you can guess which of the two listed I had considered my two great loves, then you've thought far too much into this and I'm sad for you. The point is, there's a strange feeling that sinks in when you realize you're not hung up on somebody anymore. You're the melancholy meadowlark, sad to be let out of the cage until you realize you're free to discover new kinks and better ways to be tied down.

I took it from a bird reference to a BDSM reference. Dad is going to be really proud.

All 2014 has brought me so far is an increase in my student loan payments and a date where I called the boy a wrong name three times. So, I'm getting hung up on the pen and not the penis. It's time to get back to that book deal.

(My mom said to write something uplifting. I'm counting the dick jokes.)

More penis puns please,

TJB: Making It

Frigid B*tch