What to Expect When You're Not Expecting Much

TECH WEEK.

Ever heard of it?


If you haven't (because you're a NOBODY with a 9-5 you SQUARE) it's the week before a show opens where the lighting designer tries to give you a seizure, the set designer tries to impale you with nails, and the costume designer tries to make you look fat.

As if they could EVER make ME look fat.

(Sorry to the girls they succeeded on.)

But most of all, tech week is the week when actors go BAT. SHIT. CRAZY.

Tears n' Tantrums. Tantrums n' Tears.

I like to compare tech week to giving birth. That last week before you expect the baby to pop out (and I'm not speaking from personal experience I swear) you think "HOLY SHIT! I'M NOT READY TO BE A PARENT!" You're tired, cranky, fat (except for me) and your hormones are out of control.

You CLEARLY didn't read the books and it's too late to start now. It's down to the wire and the nursery is only half painted but your partner is nowhere to be found. Hell, you might as well decide to be a single parent now because that d-bag your Mom warned you not to marry isn't going to do SHIT once this baby is on its feet.

All you can do is PANIC.

REMINDER: we're still talking about theater. Did I lose you yet?

Well, my baby is about to POP OUT and like any newly single parent, I'm worried that this baby is going to turn into a grade-A loser.

Still, may the alleged God grant me the serenity because there is nothing I can do about it but breathe until this newborn slides out my proverbial vag.

too much?

Still, who knows America. Maybe this kid will turn out to be OK. Maybe, one day, this kid will win awards and move to the Big Apple and I'll say "BOY I'm SO glad I got wasted back in 2012 and let your father have a go."

All I know is, it's too late to abort.


But as I tell myself every morning:

If Beyonce can do this, so can I.

To think I could've been a doctor,

TJB: Making It