Words are just words unless they're about ME

Yesterday marked the ONE YEAR anniversary of MAKING IT.

I had always joked that after a year of writing this blog, it would be ready for a book deal...

but shit I'm just beginning.

Yes, I've been through and experienced quite a lot since I sat down to start what has now become a remotely-successful-blog that has shockingly extended beyond my immediate family and former stalkers...but I've hardly been ready to claim that I have ANYTHING to offer the world.

Until now.

Now that I'm officially a star...at least according to Dayton, Ohio.

Let's start with my trip to Panera this afternoon for lunch as I walked past a portly young woman to wait for my panini.

Woman: You were just FABULOUS in the show last night!
Me: *Continue walking with a blank stare wondering what she could possibly be talking about.*
Woman: Your show...I saw it last night?
Me: Oh my GOD I completely forgot I was doing a show...Wow...well...thank you!
Woman: Really, you were SO fabulous and funny and I couldn't stop watching you.
Panera Worker: What show?! Are you in WICKED?!
Me: *Death Stare* No.

I grabbed my sandwich and sauntered away as the portly young woman filled in the clueless Panera worker on exactly WHO I was and spread the tale my fabulous performance.

But just because people have begun to stop me on the streets doesn't mean I'm a star. Oh no...to be a star you must be REVIEWED.

Yup. You guessed it.

This week, I received my first shout-out in a REAL review for a "REAL" publication.

The Dayton Most Metro (not Metrosexual as I originally assumed) wrote THIS:


"[Band Geeks] is also conceived with predictable teen archetypes from goth to gay with a foreign exchange student thrown in for good measure, but these characters are sharply written with hilarious authenticity. In fact, I wish more of them had solos, particularly flamboyant trombonist Alvin Freeman (an amusing Tyler J. Baranski). Alvin’s colorful opinions and his implied attraction to “Dungeons and Dragons” fan Kyle Watson (Jon Kovach) screams to be sung."


Ok SURE nobody's claiming I'll win the TONY this Sunday, but hell if I can stand onstage to deliver a few solid one-liners and still manage to get mentioned in a review

I say I'm doing PRETTY DAMN WELL.

I should point out that the Metro misspelled my name in their original posting, but all it took was one quick text to my agent and he had them begging for mercy.

So let's review the year, shall we?

Graduate Northwestern, conquer hellfire and brimstone, obtain the best-agent-ever and quickly rise to star status (albeit in Dayton, Ohio).

So there you have it America...one year down and I've given you the BEST summer reading you could hope for. Do yourself a favor and go back to Post #1.

Relive the dream.

And by this time next year, that Panera bitch will KNOW I'm not in WICKED.

But seriously Mom we're not seeing WICKED,

TJB: Making It
 

Another Opening, Another Show

After a slap-dash of a preview on Thursday night and a post-show ass-whooping notes session with the writers, opening night was no longer looking so swell. We were out of rehearsal time and left with the shards of failed jokes to piece back together into something that would please both the writers and our director. 

All I wanted was a drink.

So, I got one...
Well, if it's in a pitcher I think it still counts as one...

 On Friday, before I headed to the impending doom of the opening, I stopped for my daily caffeine fix. Lucky for me, one of the regulars had seen the show and could give me a much needed pep talk that went a little something like this...

Him: I saw your show the other night!
Me: Oh yeah? Well, I hope you enjoyed it.
Him: I did. It was only the second musical I've ever seen. The first was a high school production of 101-something and the Shade.
Me: 110 in the Shade. Yeah, I know it. Well gosh, I hope we were at least a little better than a high school production.
Him: Well, that depends in what respects.
Me: **all color sinks from my face and I am prepared to leave this career immediately**
Him: I mean, they were some talented high schoolers and it was a pretty good show. But, I mean, you guys seem to have had like a real budget and stuff.
Me: Yeah well...yes we have a budget. They're paying me a lot to be here so...
Him: And, I mean, your set seemed to be of better caliber, but those high schoolers had some high quality cardboard sets.
Me: Well I'll let them know next time not to waste their money on hiring actors when there's such talent at the high schools and to just get some better cardboard.

END OF CONVERSATION and OFF TO OPENING.

I spent a long time staring at myself in the make-up mirror contemplating the past four weeks (and how good my bone structure looked despite the fluorescent lighting).

Here I was in the middle of nowhere doing a show that might be going nowhere. But then I took a minute to think of all the amazing talent that was surrounding me and how even though some of us were 18 and some of us had kids and some of us had been on Broadway...

we were all in this together sharing the love of what he had created together.

AND IT WAS GOING TO BE F*CKING AMAZING WHETHER THAT COFFEE DRINKING PANSY LIKED IT OR NOT

 110 in the Shade can S my D.

And I made it. I made 110 in the Shade S my D because I had a kick-ass time opening night. The show was hilarious, the people laughed, and SURE our mics had copious amounts of feedback and SURE I crashed the bleachers into a wall, and SURE 55 out of the 60 threw our program in the recycling bin

but I like to think it's because they're just trying to be GREEN.

So I say to all of you who worry about the product you're creating:

Just remember that there's a group of high school students doing it better

so flip the world the bird and enjoy yourself because YOU'RE. GETTING. PAID. #America

Tonight I'm getting TWO pitchers,

TJB: Making It

From Nappin' to Clappin': the making of a musical

The first time a show is performed for an audience is always stressful.

Even more stressful if someone falls asleep in the front row.

Even more stressful if that person is the top theatre reviewer of Dayton.

So there we were on Tuesday night for an invited dress rehearsal singing our hearts out to a small group of geriatrics (and one sleepy reviewer) who probably couldn't remember the last time they walked at a pace let alone marched in a band.

Knowing who your audience is is important...this was not our audience.

So there were were on Wednesday night for a pay-what-you-can final dress rehearsal singing our hearts out to a large group of theatre lovers who would have laughed at any joke so long as they didn't have to pay and it involved sexual innuendo or a sassy gay tone.

And BOY did they love my sassy gay tone. But surely the common audience cannot be as easily swayed by my swagger.

So here we are on Thursday for our First Preview...

and Final Preview even though technically I guess we've had two previews already so I'm very confused at how this works, but I'm sure it makes sense on Broadway.

...one DUD of a performance under our belt and one SURELY too successful of a performance.

And TODAY we're the TOP STORY on Playbill.com (for a whole 4 hours) which is sure to sell at least a few tickets to the 3 people in Ohio who have computers and read the story.

Tomorrow, we open. I'd like to say to a sold-out house but we're competing with a machine called WICKED opening across the street.

You tell me what you'd rather see:

a bunch of 20-somethings pretending they're still in high school in the late 90s marching around with instruments they haven't played in 5 years

OR

SPARKLES, GLAMOR, and FLYING.

WICKED...what a bitch.

My Mom asked how to get tickets to Wicked,

TJB: Making It

What to Expect When You're Not Expecting Much

TECH WEEK.

Ever heard of it?


If you haven't (because you're a NOBODY with a 9-5 you SQUARE) it's the week before a show opens where the lighting designer tries to give you a seizure, the set designer tries to impale you with nails, and the costume designer tries to make you look fat.

As if they could EVER make ME look fat.

(Sorry to the girls they succeeded on.)

But most of all, tech week is the week when actors go BAT. SHIT. CRAZY.

Tears n' Tantrums. Tantrums n' Tears.

I like to compare tech week to giving birth. That last week before you expect the baby to pop out (and I'm not speaking from personal experience I swear) you think "HOLY SHIT! I'M NOT READY TO BE A PARENT!" You're tired, cranky, fat (except for me) and your hormones are out of control.

You CLEARLY didn't read the books and it's too late to start now. It's down to the wire and the nursery is only half painted but your partner is nowhere to be found. Hell, you might as well decide to be a single parent now because that d-bag your Mom warned you not to marry isn't going to do SHIT once this baby is on its feet.

All you can do is PANIC.

REMINDER: we're still talking about theater. Did I lose you yet?

Well, my baby is about to POP OUT and like any newly single parent, I'm worried that this baby is going to turn into a grade-A loser.

Still, may the alleged God grant me the serenity because there is nothing I can do about it but breathe until this newborn slides out my proverbial vag.

too much?

Still, who knows America. Maybe this kid will turn out to be OK. Maybe, one day, this kid will win awards and move to the Big Apple and I'll say "BOY I'm SO glad I got wasted back in 2012 and let your father have a go."

All I know is, it's too late to abort.


But as I tell myself every morning:

If Beyonce can do this, so can I.

To think I could've been a doctor,

TJB: Making It

this is all very new to me...

I don't know what's happening. I constantly feel dizzy and nauseated. I scheduled a doctor's appointment, but he says all of my tests came back fine.

(but seriously America, know your HIV status. Protect yourselves and the ones you love.)

So what could it be? I've given up dairy and increased my fiber intake, but for some reason I can't seem to shake the butterflies in my stomach...

Oh no...that's it...butterflies...can it BE?!

HAVE I FALLEN FOR DAYTON!?

A slew of craft beers at $4, $3.50 well drinks, unlimited bowling, and $7 CHIPOTLE?!

I mean, I can stumble the one block home from bars. I've even made friends with the town drag queens and am already gaining "regular" status at only the trendiest of coffee shops.

And there's NOTHING I love more than being KNOWN.

There's even a place where you can make your own sushi. I'd say it's pretty authentic except it's made by hipsters...but for $6 I will bow to those lip-ringed hooligans like my personal senseis.

So here I am driving around in my company-provided gold minivan with the windows down like I just dropped the kids off at soccer and Mama needs a drink. The fresh(ish) Ohio breeze blowing in my newly highlighted hair and my venti iced coffee with the perfect soy topper tell me

THIS is love.

Now get me the F*CK out.

The lowest calorie iced coffee in the world couldn't salvage this city,

TJB: Making It

EXTRA! EXTRA!

On my fridge (and I mean my proverbial fridge since I don't actually have a fridge of my own) I keep a checklist. My "MAKING IT" checklist to document my rise to stardom. Near the top of that checklist?

MAKE THE NEWS.

Now, many of you probably get your news from CNN or the New York Times.

Those of us in the industry...THE industry...get our news where it's real...raw...uncensored.

Playbill.com

Ok, to be honest, most of us get our news from our Facebook newsfeed (how the HELL did we know what was happening before 2006?!)

But Playbill.com is where people become somebody and it's announced it to the world.

Well TODAY world...I became somebody.

Sure you have to scroll down the page to find the article, and even then you have to read slowly or you'll skim over the glorious announcement of my casting...

But it's there. The world knows it's there. Better yet

THE industry knows it's there.

So get used to it America, because from this point on, you're going to be reading this name a lot. 

AND ONE DAY, IT TOO SHALL BE A BLUE HYPERLINK!

Read the article HERE!

My mom tried to send me a Billabong shirt,

TJB: Making It

welcome to my home

The greatest thing about leaving NYC to do a regional show is that housing is paid for.

Not paying rent is the best thing that's happened to me since not booking RENT.

My roommate and I thought we were in for a treat when we learned about the shooting just down the block...

...but then we got to know our neighbors...

Have we met our neighbors? NO. But, thanks to paper-thin walls and some very VERY resonant voices (along with two raging tempers) we've gathered some information about the colorful pair next door.

Things we know: There are two of them.

Things we know about roommate #1:
1. She is a girl.
2. She has the front bedroom.
3. Her boyfriend's name is either Wayne or Myron
4. She calls him every day to break up.
5. She is upset he won't change his relationship status on Facebook.
6. She likes make-up sex.

Things we know about roommate #2:
1. NOT the gender (strong cases to be made for both given vocal range and sexual position preferences).
2. A man is involved.
3. They too love make-up sex.
4. Knows all the words to DJ Drama's "Ain't No Way Around It" (take a listen...)
5. A dog with extreme separation anxiety is involved.
6. The dog needs a bigger cage but the man refuses to purchase it.
7. Roommate is angry the man will not pick the dog up and take it to get proper shots at vet.
8. Favorite phrases include "Aww HELL NO" and "F*CK that sh*t!"
9. Don't answer the phone if this roommate calls you. Only yelling will ensue.

Our hearts reach out to them in their endless emotional turmoil. We have questioned many times how to help the situation.

And then we realized we haven't had to turn our television on once because we are LIVING the best reality TV you could hope for.

KEEP ON FIGHTING LADIES!!...um...LADY AND GENT!!...

Until it stops, we rival their battle cries with the booming marches of BAND GEEKS.

Dayton is decidedly NOT for lovers,

TJB: Making It