they say one day even our mics might work

TJ is as over it as I am

I hate to say it for the sake of my future television series America, but things are going off without a hitch...

Well...without a hitch to the extent that there's nothing I could write without serious backlash from either the company or cast...but that's what keeps life interesting.

Luckily, we just spent a glorious week in South Carolina. Everything is indeed bigger in the south. Unfortunately, because the cast has to share hotel rooms, I couldn't explore the theory to its full extent, but based on the increased levels of testosterone from even the gangly (yet hunky) movie theater attendant...yeah...

everything is bigger in the south.

Of course, even though our performances were in the beautiful town of Greenville, our hotel was in the not-so-beautiful town of...well I'm not really sure what the town was, but it's one of those hotels in the middle of the highway that you pass on a roadtrip and think "Who the HELL ever stays at one of those hotels?"

We do...indeed we do...

Unfortunately, the end of our time in the south meant the end of our time with the beautiful Benjamin Franklin I had come to love so deeply (sorry dad). We said our tearful goodbyes and held each other in the icy cold waters of our Titanic love before he took the rental car and never looked back.

Did you think he'd get away so easy? PUH-LEEZ.

When he got to the airport he had three consecutive flights cancelled, was switched to another airline which cancelled two flights and then had to be put up in a hotel for the night before he could ever leave this GOD FORSAKEN TOUR. He left in true We the People style. Way to go bro...way to go.

And now I'm on a weekend in St. Louis, "the city that wants to be a city". Please, this place is a ghost town. I mean, it's the Midwest for Christ's sake and the closest corn maze is a 30 minute drive.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! I thought there was a corn maze on every corner.

Oddly enough, this place is ALL ABOUT Thomas Jefferson, so I signed some autographs next to his statue in the museum under the Gateway Arch. I need all the publicity I can get at this point, so who cares if the security guards didn't know who I was...just stand next to me and hold your belt like you have a gun, betch!!

Tomorrow we're off to Bumfuk, Illinois. I'm not sure the show will go over well there. Ever since the Blagojevich days I don't think the people of Trailerpark, Illinois really understand how government works. I'm not sure this is the show to explain it to their children. Stick to Skippyjon Jones.

I eat painkillers like candy,

TJB: Making It