interGAYcial

I was recently having a chat with my perspective television producer and book editor and we all came to the same consensus:

This tour is getting a little stale.

I'll be honest with you. Viewer rates are still picking up after the URL change for branding purposes (Mom did you send it out in the family newsletter yet?) and hilarious scenarios are lacking ever since this company got their shit together. DAMN YOU PERSEVERANCE! In fact, I've even stopped receiving e-mails from random people who allegedly know me telling me how HILARIOUS I am.

Times are tough reader(s)...are we back down to just my mom? We are? Well...times are tough Mom.

SO. My publicity team and I decided we had a few choices:

1. Punch a cast member and get sent home...but this betch needs a paycheck.
2. Get another cast member to punch me and get sent home...but this bone structure will not be risked.
3. Number 3 actually happened but my legal team said I couldn't blog about it until we have sufficient evidence.
4. Introduce a love interest...but...well...wait a minute...

Ok so I couldn't argue with number 4. I mean, let's be real it's a little lonely on this tour and I'd love a little somethin' somethin' but I don't think my 2 night stay in Kentucky is going to turn anything into a storyline.

So, we would have to talk to casting.

Well, Making It is seriously lacking some diversity. Sure, we have the African Princess, but that's only two demographics. Producers suggested an Asian.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

no.

Wait, is Telly Leung available? No?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

no.

My editor suggested Indian. That way, we still play to that end of the world market but have more than one aesthetic option in casting. I agreed, but mentioned that Hinduism is SO 2007. They suggested we find a Muslim. I wasn't sure what the difference was, but it sounded trendier. I was game. The idea of a white Catholic boy dating an Indian Muslim boy did seem pretty controversial and left a lot of room for shenanigans at family functions. We would have to be cast by Thanksgiving if we wanted it to air in the first season. Thanksgiving with a REAL Indian...that'll be good.

Then, one producer suggested the love interest could be another actor.

WAIT. Casting an actor to play my actor boyfriend? I've already been so vocal about my disdain of actors, I wasn't sure that's the direction I wanted to head in...Plus, aren't they all doctors and computer techs? Is that even believable?! But my producer said that such a plot twist could create movie spin-off buzz...and we could probably get that kid from Slumdog.

Alright...alright...anything for the business.

Well, I said if we're going to make him an actor, we might as well just stick the knife all the way in. Let's make him an NYU CAP21 grad (breathe...breathe...breathe...)...at least THAT way we can stick to a straight up white and purple color palate and make it easier on the costume designer. We could even do something cute with the whole N(Y)U Bobcat/Wildcat thing...maybe we meet when one of us ends up at the wrong alumni event...

but they said we'd meet in Chelsea studios.

Oh gross, this plot line is making me cringe.

But what kind of a name do we cast for such a role? The kid from Slumdog refuses to do television. Due to the whole Glee buzz, my publicist thinks we should get a Broadway actor...but PLEASE I can't have a bigger name playing my BOYFRIEND.

We didn't need Broadway...we needed like...1st National Tour material.

So here I sit in a cheap hotel room sorting through masses of headshots and resumes from every Muslim Indian looking boy on a 1st National tour...

and by masses I mean like...one...

Well...I guess...I guess that's it...congratulations kid...you just booked your first future probably-never-happening television series.

We'll have the paperwork faxed on Monday. You start on Thanksgiving.

Contact Us Weekly immediately publicists...ok I'll do it myself. Start the rumor mill!!

I need to figure out who this Allah character is,

TJB: Making It

The Mayor of this town won the election by checking in on foursquare

I have a few issues with West Virginia:

1. It is the dumbest shaped state of all 50. My theory is that someone gave Michael J. Fox a pen and said "draw a circle on this here map" and BAM...we have West Virginia. After Regular Virginia realized there was nothing significant (and I mean NOTHING significant) within Mr. Fox's ill-drawn (though surely determined) circle, they shrugged their shoulders and figured they were no worse off.

2. I am currently in Lewisburg, WV which was apparently voted "America's Coolest Small Town" of 2011. I'm not sure who was voting on America's Coolest Small Town of 2011 as there are no asterisks on ANY of the signs to inform me of their citations, so my guess is the great people of Lewisburg put up the signs and figured nobody who wasn't born and raised here would ever venture in and dispute the award. THEY WERE WRONG!

3. Google maps will tell you the McDonald's here is across the street. LIES. But Google never bothered to come to West Virginia anyway and never thought anyone would ever use Google maps to find anything in West Virginia because NOBODY LIVES HERE and the people who do are probably still using AskJeeves. Anyway, once you find the nearest McDonald's, you'll realize it is under construction. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!

4. Because of Equity rules, I must do laundry here every day. In order to reach the laundromat, you must go 3 miles on a street one way, travel east across the fields, and come back two miles the way you came. The clientele of BJ's (don't be fooled by the name because I was there an hour and received no such gift) apparently wash their laundry once a year. However, the nice woman in charge of the establishment did say something about pot. Oh she said "pop"? No...I think she said pot...

5. If you walk down the main street of the alleged coolest small town in America, you will notice some very prominent Confederate flags...then you'll notice some very prominent rainbow flags...then you'll notice some people who look like they should be waving confederate flags waving rainbow flags or vice-a-verse and you'll climb back into your big white rapist van VERY confused...

and let me round out my rant with this...

Dear West Virginia,

If you ever want this country to take you seriously...

JK that's never going to happen.

Oh crap Ohio's next,

TJB: Making It

Emotion Commotion

I never thought I would ever be excited to see Skokie, IL.

Then again, I never thought I'd put on a powdered wig every day to perform for 5th graders...so Skokie's not looking so bad.

However, when I arrived, I realized that the 24 hour stay was more torture than excitement. Northwestern University (and therefore my BFFLZ) is less than 15 minutes away from Skokie. So naturally, my hotel was 20 minutes on the opposite side of the city. Not to mention I would only arrive to our lovely Best Western...


and let me just say you know my life is in the Twilight Zone when I'm calling my mother to tell her how beautiful a Best Western is...where's daddy's credit card when you need it?!


I would only arrive at our lovely Best Western exhausted after a 12 hour work day thankful that I got to sleep in my own bed for the first time in a week and that they had egg patties for breakfast...what is my life?

My dreams of once again partying with my college bros were crushed. I would pass out by 10pm.

But I woke up the next morning like it was Christmas. Not only were my bros coming to see the show (SHOUTOUTZ to JLangs22, JHar, Bestus and the most adorable little latino boy named Mikey) but THE JLDubs was attending my show.

Dear America: If don't know if you know JLDubs, you are either 1. One of my readers from Turkey (and still not a good excuse) or 2. NO FRIEND OF MINE!

I was relieved they would be attending the second show of the day as the first usually serves as a warm-up...and a warm-up it was. The entire show was saturated in white noise and microphone flubs. I was terrified the issues wouldn't be fixed for the second show, and I was already worried my friends would find my professional acting debut rather illegitimate.

Thankfully, the problems were fixed and the show was flawless.

JK. Of COURSE there would be a problem.

Let me set the scene for you:

The show opens with me ripping down a 12 foot tall banner and screaming into the faces of the audience as the Founding Fathers pour out from behind the set and we "rock out" for a few bars before those flawless vocals start to belt.

So we hear the cue, I scream my lungs out, we rock, we rock some more...then as we raise our angelic voices we hear...

Silence...there was no music...but there were four boys in powdered wigs standing frozen onstage wondering what the hell we were supposed to do next...after a few ad-libbed lines, we were sure we were doomed. I looked away from my friends in their VIP box seats in shame.

and then the music came on...in the middle of the opening number...

Well, so much for exposition...

But we managed to make it through the show and I couldn't wait to peel off my sweat saturated ruffles to meet my peeps at the stage door.

As soon as I walked out the door, I knew I was doomed. It took everything I had not to start sobbing and begging my friends to grab my suitcase and take me home. There are those moments in life when you realize you are grown up and scared and this was one of those moments. But we hugged and kissed and I let them take pictures by the big white van (and Harriet knows her angles).

Look, I'll be honest kids, this blog post isn't really going anywhere and is rather forced. I guess I realize how hard the road life really is. Sitting here and joking about my life is great when there are bloody handprints on the wall and a bottle of jack in the mini fridge, but when you only have 5 minutes to hug your best friends before you rip down a set for the 5000th time (with 6000 more to go)...your heart gets tired. Let's just say you'll want a box of tissues for this episode of the TV series...but at least then I'll be filming with my friends (Bestus we're sharing a dressing room, sorry.)

So there America. I admit it. I'm emotional and vulnerable and I'm not sure I'm strong enough for all of this.

But then I had dinner with this REALLY cute boy and I totally got his digits so I'm like THANK YOU VERIZON for unlimited texting.

Wisconsin has all-you-can-drink for $9,

TJB: Making It

hotel, motel, but holiday inn is too swanky

this is real.

Before we hit the road, we were given a very in depth speech about the DOs and DON'Ts of the tour. One of the most useless rules was "DO NOT PICK UP ANY ROADIES"...as if we could fit another limb into our van...

BUT OOPS we sort of broke the rules. While we didn't pick up any "roadies", we did pick up...

bedbugs.

OH AWESOME! Not only were we staying at the bottom of the bottom of hotel chains (the only thing that separates a Super 8 from a Motel 6 is a snack machine) two of our cast mates met some bedbugs down home in a stunning Tennessee Days Inn. How's that for a hotel recommendation?

Now, let's be clear, some of this is speculation. Did we actually find any physical bed bugs? No. But were two of my cast mates covered in trios of bites that closely resembled a quick Google image search? YES.

and in today's world, that's all the proof you need.

Panic ensued. We quarantined the cast mates in their own hotel room from there on and alerted the staff of the new St. Louis hotel which gassed their room and assuredly burned their bedding. They threw all of their clothing into extremely hot dryers to kill the parasites and bought every anti-bite cream Walgreens could legally sell them.

We even set off a 4 hour bug bomb in our van which I'm sure we're still breathing the fumes of as my lungs are shrinking...but hey...isn't that what worker's comp is for?

So as you're sleeping tight on your pillow top queen mattress tonight America...just think...

I'm in the middle of Wisconsin with bloody handprints on the walls which make bedbugs the LEAST of my worries. The road to fame is not a safe one kids...

and I laugh in the face of danger!

JK I'm sobbing,

TJB: Making It

is this rehab?

i want to go to there

So there I was in the middle of nowhere feeling good after a flawless two show day. Even the cornfields felt inspiring and I was ready to celebrate the coming days off!

BITCH I KNOW HOW TO PARTY ON A TUESDAY!

Fast forward past the empty Hicksville bar and my bucket of rum to me sitting in bed, continuing the party, holding a bottle of wine I found in the van…surrounded by my cast…all of them asleep…

9:30 p.m.

Perhaps it’s because I’m the baby of the crew. Perhaps it’s because I have a problem* (ahahahaha  please).

Perhaps it’s because I need to GET THIS PARTY STARTED.

I choose choice #3.

So…

Fast forward past the 7 hour drive and my workout at the gym to me sitting in bed, trying to start the party, holding a remote I found in the trash can…no cast to be found…all of them on the phone…

At least I can live vicariously through the cast of Real World. That skater boy is CUTE. Oh wait, he's a girl. I don't mind.

I’m joining the local chapter AA to find a drinking buddy,

TJB: Making It

*It was noted after the posting of this blog that the viewed episode of Real World focused on a young attractive gay man with a drinking problem. As a young attractive gay man, the author of this blog would like to recognize the serious issue of alcoholism. Drink responsibly...or at least drink top shelf. If you believe you or your friend has a drinking problem, please contact your local chapter of AA by...I dunno Google that shit.

Super H8

Imagine:

It's getting late. It's getting dark. You're starving. The only restaurant in a 5 mile radius is practically attached to your hotel and it's a McDonald's (ok kind of a bonus for me, but not one of the cute McDonald's they have where people live).

You exit your van and look around. You think it has to be joke because surely no sane New Yorker would expect you to stay here for not one but TWO nights.

Well...they do...

You walk to McDonald's, hoping you peel off your Monopoly stickers and win a free McFlurry just to make this hell feel worth it. Then you find out they're out of ice cream anyway, so you cap off the meal with an apple pie because you're that depressed.

And then you leave McDonald's, ready to retire to your bedbug infested room wishing you had a bottle of Tylenol PM to make the pain go away.

AND THIS IS WHAT YOU SEE.

Somebody legitimately drove their John Deere tractor to the same hotel you dragged your Ralph Lauren luggage across the gravel to sleep in.

What can you, America, do to help?

Pray that your alleged God eventually has mercy on my soul.

Oh hey, look at that. The door to my room doesn't lock.

I hope those stains are actually just a pattern,

TJB: Making It

they say one day even our mics might work

TJ is as over it as I am

I hate to say it for the sake of my future television series America, but things are going off without a hitch...

Well...without a hitch to the extent that there's nothing I could write without serious backlash from either the company or cast...but that's what keeps life interesting.

Luckily, we just spent a glorious week in South Carolina. Everything is indeed bigger in the south. Unfortunately, because the cast has to share hotel rooms, I couldn't explore the theory to its full extent, but based on the increased levels of testosterone from even the gangly (yet hunky) movie theater attendant...yeah...

everything is bigger in the south.

Of course, even though our performances were in the beautiful town of Greenville, our hotel was in the not-so-beautiful town of...well I'm not really sure what the town was, but it's one of those hotels in the middle of the highway that you pass on a roadtrip and think "Who the HELL ever stays at one of those hotels?"

We do...indeed we do...

Unfortunately, the end of our time in the south meant the end of our time with the beautiful Benjamin Franklin I had come to love so deeply (sorry dad). We said our tearful goodbyes and held each other in the icy cold waters of our Titanic love before he took the rental car and never looked back.

Did you think he'd get away so easy? PUH-LEEZ.

When he got to the airport he had three consecutive flights cancelled, was switched to another airline which cancelled two flights and then had to be put up in a hotel for the night before he could ever leave this GOD FORSAKEN TOUR. He left in true We the People style. Way to go bro...way to go.

And now I'm on a weekend in St. Louis, "the city that wants to be a city". Please, this place is a ghost town. I mean, it's the Midwest for Christ's sake and the closest corn maze is a 30 minute drive.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! I thought there was a corn maze on every corner.

Oddly enough, this place is ALL ABOUT Thomas Jefferson, so I signed some autographs next to his statue in the museum under the Gateway Arch. I need all the publicity I can get at this point, so who cares if the security guards didn't know who I was...just stand next to me and hold your belt like you have a gun, betch!!

Tomorrow we're off to Bumfuk, Illinois. I'm not sure the show will go over well there. Ever since the Blagojevich days I don't think the people of Trailerpark, Illinois really understand how government works. I'm not sure this is the show to explain it to their children. Stick to Skippyjon Jones.

I eat painkillers like candy,

TJB: Making It