But Wait: Boxers or Briefs?

As an actor, you are aware that there are several people you never want to piss off. The top of that list is usually the stage manager. After all, they do write the rehearsal reports. But speaking from experience as cheap labor in the costume shop of Northwestern University, the costume construction team is right there at the top of your "do not piss off" list...ESPECIALLY if you want to look cute doin your high kicks.

Here's a tip actors: you can tell how much the shop team likes you by the amount of flare pieces added during your fitting. Give them a smile? We'll add a few extra studs to your sash. Say a funny quip? We'll add some buckles to your knee-high boots.

All of a sudden you're the most flashy and glittery vision to grace the Broadway stage...or in my case, Martin Luther King Jr. High.

Have a bad attitude? You can bet that your bra's going to be a little snug and you're getting the wig cap with the questionable stains.

 So there I was, in heaven, playing dress-up. I knew it was going to be a great time when the first piece handed to me was a pair of black skinny jeans. I could hardly breathe and it was PERFECT. And as I twirled in the mirror, that's when I saw it...

my ass. practically glowing. framed perfectly.

Next came the puffy sleeve, lace up shirt (a staple for any founding father). Then the patriotic waist sash, sensibly knotted on the left side. Throw in a gold vest with a cheetah print collar and a neck scarf and suddenly you're Thomas Jefferson circa Seventeen-Seventy-SEX.

But we weren't done yet folks. Oh no. The crown jewel of this show is the floor-length Prince inspired shiny blue rocker coat with a perfectly designed train for dramatic spin effects.

Are you turned on yet? Remember my ass in those skinny jeans. THIS IS COSTUME PORN PEOPLE! And to think I could have been in that one show wearing a short sleeve white button-up with a black tie.

BORING. Who wants that? Not me (JK cast me we can redesign).

The only downfall of the fitting came with the hats. I'm not sure if you've seen the cranium on this kid, but it's huge. Massive. Mammoth. I choke back tears of embarrassment every time I try to squeeze on a cap. In fact, they have to build an entirely new wig helmet because I'm just that deformed. I think God gave me this oval noggin to balance out my impeccable bone structure. Gotta stay grounded somehow.

But seriously readers (and by readers I think we're back down to just Mom based on her confession of continuously clicking refresh on my blog...thanks for trying to boost my ego) BUT SERIOUSLY READERS I tried to post a picture, but it was so sexual that even the world wide web would had to censor it.

You're going to have to see this ass in person.

Everyone in this Starbucks is gay or a frumpy brunette girl,

TJB: Making It