Chicago: Open Bars and Broken Dreams

I was feeling quite guilty about tricking Chicago into thinking I would actually move there and allow my career to take such a hit...so I decided to stop by on a sort of "goodwill tour".

OK really I was kind of miserable and needed to see my best friends before I embarked on a 3 month journey with 5 kids I've never met before. You see, I tried to go to summer camp once and I cried and begged my parents to take me home after 90 minutes. It was band camp...there were mosquitoes...and my bunk mate was fat...

Somehow I don't think my parents will be as willing to drive me home from NYC when I find out Ben Franklin is a lil' portly. However, my parents were dolls and drove me to Chicago to remind the windy city of what could have been.

I wish I could convey to you how amazing all of my friends are and talk about how successful they are so young life but

1. I do not promote other people.
2. Somebody I leave out is going to get pissed because either
3. I forgot I saw them or
4. They're just not successful...

I mostly just did the usual Chicago things like lunchtime at the Playboy Headquarters, but anywhere I go there is of course a VIP event to attend. This week was a celebration of TimeOut Chicago (which is funny because just two weeks ago I pretended to be a journalist from that very publication in NYC writing a story on gay bars as a successful ploy for free drinks and no cover).

I attended the event along with Chicago bro-extraordinaires SMQ and JWeb. They're like super business savvy and look really good standing on either side of me.

I'll be honest and tell you none of us really had a clue what the event was supposed to be celebrating, but we did know there was an open bar from 6-8PM and we intended to use every second of it. So we waltzed in at 5:59 and stumbled out at 8:01. Between those times we double-fisted the most delicious drinks you've ever tasted while enjoying free food and making friends with the entire staff and every lonely looking Asian we could find.

Only CLASS for these bros.

I did learn one very important tip: GET BUSINESS CARDS!

Every single person I met handed me their card (obviously in the hopes I would call them and/or sleep with them) and since I didn't have business cards, I just did what I do best...

I pretended that they of course knew who I was and didn't want to embarrass them by handing them my card since they probably already knew where to find me.

This worked like a charm...meaning everybody was too drunk to process what I was saying anyway...8PM couldn't have come at a better time.

There was a bittersweet feeling of visiting Chicago. Sure I now have jazz sneakers signed by the incomparable JLDubs, but I also spent 12 hours doing manual labor. Sure I got to see all of my beautiful blonde best friends, but I also spent 12 hours doing manual labor. Sure I got to watch Jon Harrison dripping in sweat, but I also...ok maybe that one was worth the 12 hours...

I dunno world. While I was in Chicago I had this sent to me from a fellow NU alumn:

"I stumbled upon your blog and am obsessed with it. So are all of my friends I sent it to. Seriously it is hilarious and well-written and resonates even with us non-showbizy folks seeking gainful employment."

Do you know what I say?
I wish you had more important friends.
Then I'd be on Bravo.

Until then, the only gainful employment I'll be seeing is in a big white van dressed as Thomas Jefferson traveling America.

Yes turning tricks,

TJB: Making It